....of always making and eating good food, of being pleasant and being treated nicely, of living in an environment which i adore, looking at colors and things that i like, of listening to things that tickle my ears, of having people and things around that i have chosen, of bringing my imagination to a fruition,
things can be amiss and can take forever to get done but in my world that is okay.
i imagine that i am abit crazy, but i like it that way because..IN CRAZINESS THERE IS BRILLIANCE...i wish more people recognized that!
i imagine dancing in my world, lots of it! i choreograph things in my head and wish my body could do what i imagine.
it would be quite....erotic, fulfilling, satisfying...to see a piece danced which was MY own creation. when SYTYCD choreographers are crying at a piece...I GET IT!!!
a combo of music and movement and my imagination in tangible form? decadence!
i imagine a life where i can imagine, and that would be okay! i feel like people, almost intentionally, rip me out of my world sometimes and i don't get it!
come into MY world! it is much nicer here! WHY must you be so literal? dream a little! this is the only life we get! you gonna live it literally or live it like you desire?
everyone needs to put glitter polish on! seriously!
why look, everyday, at nails, anything, you do not like? or a couch you hate? or talk to a person who annoys you? or go home to an uncomfortable bed? or take a shower and hate your body? FIX IT DAMMIT!
why listen to music you don't like? or a tv show instead of something else?
if you put yourself into perspective.....you are a flash in the stream of time! the "world" is changing and moving on and in 100 years this time will be a quip in some history journal, if that!. it won't matter if you seemed crazy or flighty or irresponsible...enjoy it, dammit!
and when you look at me with those criticizing, questioning, wondering eyes, just remember to look back and ask YOURSELF! have YOU done what you have dreamed to do?
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
July 2011!
Where in the *BLEEP* does time go?
wasn't it just christmas time?
i MUST write a book!
nails are painted red with glitter!
went to LA a couple weeks back and got my friends and family fix
reading a book on "his needs, her needs"
feeling a bit disconnected and m and i are not speaking the same language.
sister is in early labor but not due until july 29th!
she seems miserable...tired, swolen feet etc
annie is moving to phoenix, wayyyy closer than LA
have a few projects going...a sewing one for a 3 year old and my new bottle bling!
peace!
wasn't it just christmas time?
i MUST write a book!
nails are painted red with glitter!
went to LA a couple weeks back and got my friends and family fix
reading a book on "his needs, her needs"
feeling a bit disconnected and m and i are not speaking the same language.
sister is in early labor but not due until july 29th!
she seems miserable...tired, swolen feet etc
annie is moving to phoenix, wayyyy closer than LA
have a few projects going...a sewing one for a 3 year old and my new bottle bling!
peace!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
a rebirth....
another one!
i have had so much energy lately and i LOVE it. my mind is always going, but my body won't cooperate sometimes. my mindset is different. i hold myself back a lot. my current mindset is...just do it!
gardening! i love it! it gives me a reason to get up early, go home, go outside...all of which i struggle with, having depression issues.
puppies! they make me get up, talk, smile, go outside!
the arroyo! i love it back there! it is a beautiful hike, right in my back yard. WHY did it take me 2 years to get back there?
i am feeling and thinking things i haven't in 10-20 years!!! =)
it is like i have had peeps of this throughout my life, but go back into hiding because my situation wasn't safe! i look now, and i am safe!!! =)
i have had so much energy lately and i LOVE it. my mind is always going, but my body won't cooperate sometimes. my mindset is different. i hold myself back a lot. my current mindset is...just do it!
gardening! i love it! it gives me a reason to get up early, go home, go outside...all of which i struggle with, having depression issues.
puppies! they make me get up, talk, smile, go outside!
the arroyo! i love it back there! it is a beautiful hike, right in my back yard. WHY did it take me 2 years to get back there?
i am feeling and thinking things i haven't in 10-20 years!!! =)
it is like i have had peeps of this throughout my life, but go back into hiding because my situation wasn't safe! i look now, and i am safe!!! =)
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Osama/Obama.....toe-may-ta/ toe-mah-ta....
May 1st, 2011, Osama Killed by US Navy Seals!
Aryans Haze is still saving me!
Garden is planted and doing well, with the exception of losing a couple plants during this fluke freeze!
It is poker week!
Walked the arroyo last night! First time i have been in there since i moved here. It was quite beautiful and peaceful. and a great terrain for good cardio.
i belive CAT died out there so i was doing a bit of pondering and clearing energies. I am considering putting a little monument to him out there! =)
My man let me move the furniture in the bedroom around. it is a nice change. i need movement in my home! now when you walk in you see pretty and then...."the tv etc"
before, you saw tv first, then the headboard. nah! not good!
for some reason the 2 windows really stand out now! i am gonna make a little oasis/garden outside one of them. maybe both!
Aryans Haze is still saving me!
Garden is planted and doing well, with the exception of losing a couple plants during this fluke freeze!
It is poker week!
Walked the arroyo last night! First time i have been in there since i moved here. It was quite beautiful and peaceful. and a great terrain for good cardio.
i belive CAT died out there so i was doing a bit of pondering and clearing energies. I am considering putting a little monument to him out there! =)
My man let me move the furniture in the bedroom around. it is a nice change. i need movement in my home! now when you walk in you see pretty and then...."the tv etc"
before, you saw tv first, then the headboard. nah! not good!
for some reason the 2 windows really stand out now! i am gonna make a little oasis/garden outside one of them. maybe both!
Friday, April 22, 2011
easter!
easter! what a silly holiday! what do colored eggs, bunnies, ham & easter lillys have a skosh to do with jesus being resurected to heaven? besides that, he told us to celebrate his death not his resurection! sounds bad BUT his DEATH is what allowed us to be cleansed of our sins and eligible for being saved! his resurection was proof that god was alive and designed the whole plan for our being saved! i'm just sayin'!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
ponderings...
i was thinking on my way to work today...i am so grateful for having 2+ years of stability!
2 years of loving one man, of living in the same house, having the same job...i haven't had that in MANY years!
i am grateful for my pets that keep me grounded and give me something to smile at everyday! I am grateful for my loving family here.
i have many good, quality friends although i still haven't found a bestie out here!
(can't replace my annie)
i am grateful for my job and all it has taught me.
the stability has really helped me grow as a person and achieve things i couldn't as a vagabond/gypsy...
thank you universe and myslef for getting me here!
2 years of loving one man, of living in the same house, having the same job...i haven't had that in MANY years!
i am grateful for my pets that keep me grounded and give me something to smile at everyday! I am grateful for my loving family here.
i have many good, quality friends although i still haven't found a bestie out here!
(can't replace my annie)
i am grateful for my job and all it has taught me.
the stability has really helped me grow as a person and achieve things i couldn't as a vagabond/gypsy...
thank you universe and myslef for getting me here!
Monday, February 14, 2011
thank you aryan! your haze saved me!
i believe my baby saved me.
for probably the last year to year and a half i have REALLY been struggling with pain and depression. every morning i get up in pain, dreading the day, wishing i could stay asleep, cuz i don't feel pain there. it has turned into a drudgery. i still get up and smile tho and fake a good mood cuz i know i would be if i weren't in pain. i don't want to drag other people down because of MY pain. and i try to stay moving and busy so i don't think about the pain.
the other night, mr. mangum handed me a pipe and said...try this! so i did. as i layed there, i said...what did you give me?
at first i said...it tastes like berry, tastes good going in and out, it's definatley a sativa, i feel renewed, like i can go do errands. this is better than a vicoden!
i felt like a weight had been lifted, i all of a sudden felt positive, my sinus' cleared, my headache went away, my muscles relaxed, i didn't feel nauteous...
the next couple days, i used it instead of anything else and i had 2 awesome days. i was able to function, and eat w/o getting sick, i felt positive, i wanted to read a book and walk the dog. i haven't felt that in a LONG time.
i didn't realize my fog until it had lifted!
i felt HOPEFUL!!! i haven't seen hope in awhile!
i have used it 3 more days and each day is better! =-)
i cannot explain my relief! i haven't seen this girl in years!
for probably the last year to year and a half i have REALLY been struggling with pain and depression. every morning i get up in pain, dreading the day, wishing i could stay asleep, cuz i don't feel pain there. it has turned into a drudgery. i still get up and smile tho and fake a good mood cuz i know i would be if i weren't in pain. i don't want to drag other people down because of MY pain. and i try to stay moving and busy so i don't think about the pain.
the other night, mr. mangum handed me a pipe and said...try this! so i did. as i layed there, i said...what did you give me?
at first i said...it tastes like berry, tastes good going in and out, it's definatley a sativa, i feel renewed, like i can go do errands. this is better than a vicoden!
i felt like a weight had been lifted, i all of a sudden felt positive, my sinus' cleared, my headache went away, my muscles relaxed, i didn't feel nauteous...
the next couple days, i used it instead of anything else and i had 2 awesome days. i was able to function, and eat w/o getting sick, i felt positive, i wanted to read a book and walk the dog. i haven't felt that in a LONG time.
i didn't realize my fog until it had lifted!
i felt HOPEFUL!!! i haven't seen hope in awhile!
i have used it 3 more days and each day is better! =-)
i cannot explain my relief! i haven't seen this girl in years!
Friday, January 7, 2011
my year of firsts....
i pulled out this journal i kept the first year i was here...
i titled it..."My Year of First's"....
i will share some entries....
Valentines Day: i arrived on Feb 7th, new to ABQ, on Feb 14th, michael made my arrival oh so beautiful.
i woke up to a massage and breakfast in bed, a new book on the hotsprings around here and a new mug all served on a breakfast tray. wow, i could get used to this. later, i went to shower, layed my outfit out on the bed before i got in and when i came out, a beautiful necklace and earring set was laying on my outfit. it matched perfectly. next we went to mykonos, a fabulous greek restaurant. after a wonderful meal we went to sit in the bar and listen to some live music. i ordered an apple martini. i left to use the bathroom and when i returned there was my martini AND a gorgeous turquoise and silver necklace. it was perfect! i was impresses at how well he GOT my style!
when we got home i went to use the bathroom and somehow he had sneeked in before me and set up a bouquet of flowers, a card and lit a candle.
happy valentines day to me!
there are a few entries in between...
first mothers day
first easter
first halloween
first burlesque show
first thankgiving
first bday: i bawled. i hated it! i hung on michael like someone had died. i was so not used to being acknowledged. i sucked it up, we went to dinner with the fam and after we went back to bev and loys. bev had gotten me a cake especially for me, we opened presents. bev and jenn got me coco mademoiselle. yum! my favorite! loy gave me $100 to buy a winter coat. michael got me a crock pot, beads, and a cool stand to display my necklaces on.
first christmas: it was PRETTY around here. my tree was white with lights and decorated with red and kelly green goodies. i found this red and white wrapping paper with flowers that were raised and felt like velvet and of course complimented by red velvet ribbon. we actually had 2 christmases. at 1 pm we went to bev and loys. bev made ham and prime rib. we all exchanged gifts. it was abit awkward because michael and jenn were not getting along. after, we went to heather and craigs, what a blast! we had another awesome dinner, there were so many neat people and afterward a talent show! about 15 people performed, i read my "Light" poem and asked people what they would like to add.
later we did a white elephant gift exchange. we got 2 snuggies, a zebra and a leopard print, with hot chocolate, slipper socks and chocolates. people fought and raved over them altho we t hink they are ridiculous!
michael won a stripper clock that heather had put in hopeing he would get it. he LOVED it but in the very end it got stolen by joel, boo!
firts new years:
of course, we were at heathers. michael had a cold and sneezed all over the champagne glasses for midnight. (we didn't tell) it was fun as usual....jacuzzi, booze, awesome people....
first time seeing decorated xmas trees all over town: as i was driving to work, which is 13 miles south out of tijeras, MULTIPLE trees were decorated along the way. all out decorated. it was so cool! i stopped and took pics of each one. i EVEN stopped and stole a couple of ornaments off of one tree. people kept honking as they passed. i couldn't tell if they though iwas stealing or if they thought i was decorating! (guilty conscience)
first time to put plastic on the windows! oh lordy! i am in NM for sure! i didn't even have to do that in oregon. i was bummed and it was depressing not being able to see outside for 3+ months but i sucked it up! i didn't want to be a high maintenance burden. saving money is good!
i titled it..."My Year of First's"....
i will share some entries....
Valentines Day: i arrived on Feb 7th, new to ABQ, on Feb 14th, michael made my arrival oh so beautiful.
i woke up to a massage and breakfast in bed, a new book on the hotsprings around here and a new mug all served on a breakfast tray. wow, i could get used to this. later, i went to shower, layed my outfit out on the bed before i got in and when i came out, a beautiful necklace and earring set was laying on my outfit. it matched perfectly. next we went to mykonos, a fabulous greek restaurant. after a wonderful meal we went to sit in the bar and listen to some live music. i ordered an apple martini. i left to use the bathroom and when i returned there was my martini AND a gorgeous turquoise and silver necklace. it was perfect! i was impresses at how well he GOT my style!
when we got home i went to use the bathroom and somehow he had sneeked in before me and set up a bouquet of flowers, a card and lit a candle.
happy valentines day to me!
there are a few entries in between...
first mothers day
first easter
first halloween
first burlesque show
first thankgiving
first bday: i bawled. i hated it! i hung on michael like someone had died. i was so not used to being acknowledged. i sucked it up, we went to dinner with the fam and after we went back to bev and loys. bev had gotten me a cake especially for me, we opened presents. bev and jenn got me coco mademoiselle. yum! my favorite! loy gave me $100 to buy a winter coat. michael got me a crock pot, beads, and a cool stand to display my necklaces on.
first christmas: it was PRETTY around here. my tree was white with lights and decorated with red and kelly green goodies. i found this red and white wrapping paper with flowers that were raised and felt like velvet and of course complimented by red velvet ribbon. we actually had 2 christmases. at 1 pm we went to bev and loys. bev made ham and prime rib. we all exchanged gifts. it was abit awkward because michael and jenn were not getting along. after, we went to heather and craigs, what a blast! we had another awesome dinner, there were so many neat people and afterward a talent show! about 15 people performed, i read my "Light" poem and asked people what they would like to add.
later we did a white elephant gift exchange. we got 2 snuggies, a zebra and a leopard print, with hot chocolate, slipper socks and chocolates. people fought and raved over them altho we t hink they are ridiculous!
michael won a stripper clock that heather had put in hopeing he would get it. he LOVED it but in the very end it got stolen by joel, boo!
firts new years:
of course, we were at heathers. michael had a cold and sneezed all over the champagne glasses for midnight. (we didn't tell) it was fun as usual....jacuzzi, booze, awesome people....
first time seeing decorated xmas trees all over town: as i was driving to work, which is 13 miles south out of tijeras, MULTIPLE trees were decorated along the way. all out decorated. it was so cool! i stopped and took pics of each one. i EVEN stopped and stole a couple of ornaments off of one tree. people kept honking as they passed. i couldn't tell if they though iwas stealing or if they thought i was decorating! (guilty conscience)
first time to put plastic on the windows! oh lordy! i am in NM for sure! i didn't even have to do that in oregon. i was bummed and it was depressing not being able to see outside for 3+ months but i sucked it up! i didn't want to be a high maintenance burden. saving money is good!
my after work adventure...
so i was on my way home from work, heading down the mountain and i passed a car that was billowing smoke, so i turned around thinking i would offer water for the radiator or a ride to the store...at that point in the road, there is no cell service and nothing for at least 5 miles, it's about 20 degrees out....so, i stop and say....can i help anyway? the guy says....can you give us a ride? i quickly access....2 tiny shivering dogs, a clean man, car billowing smoke, it's not a set up, wife sitting in car with a coach bag and nice sunglasses....i say...sure!
so, they gather their stuff and hop in the truck and i say....where are we going? i am still heading north toward tijeras.
BTW, i had forgotten my cell phone today and was on my way to meet the boss to drop something off....
the guy says...can you take us home?
sure.
do you know where tajika is?
i'm thinking a street....
no, i say.
do u know where escabosa is?
i'm thinking a street....
no, i say.
do you know where chilili is?
then it dawns on me...oh! i need to head BACK toward work. shoot, i am on empty and can only drive about 20 miles and my boss is waiting. the guy says, it's only 9 miles or so, you can drop us there and i will get you gas.
"there" is this little store just beyond where i work, where they bought the car from that morning and the guy they bought it from has a supply of gas, altho not to the public.
so, at a certain point the couple gets cell service and i say...do you mind if i call my boss? he's waiting.
so, i call bruce and say...i will be a little late, i am giving a couple a ride, their car overheated. he says okay! no problem, i'll wait.
i'm still thinking...this will only take an extra 20 MAYBE 30 minutes....
BTW, the couple introduces themselves and their tiny puppies. sweet, sweet couple. no bad vibes, and besides before they got in the car i put my handy dandy pocketknife in my pocket.....JUST INCASE. i follow my gut but use my smarts! ;)
so we get to the store and the guy goes in, i chat with the wife and cuddle the teacup puppy. she is still shivering.
the guy comes out....the man who was supposed to be there JUST left and his cell is out of range! so this means....no gas.
well, i'm commited at this point. i'm down to like 9 miles of gas left and town is a good 30. so he says...we can go to tajika, its another 9 miles or so, there is a small gas station there. i say...okay, i am trusting you.
my gut is still giving the okay.
so we head to tajika. my little guage is eventually saying 0. he says...it's close! i promise...as i'm purposely coasting down every hill i can.
we get to a stop sign, more like 18 miles down the road and he says, turn right, 1 more mile, i promise!
i was getting nervous!
i turn right, and i'm sweating a little, my neck tenses up...nervous I will get stranded as well!
finally, a tiny town pops up and there is a little pump with 3 tanks. i drive up and see out of order on the first one, out of order on the second one...oh this is bad....whew! 3rd one is working.
okay, he gives me money, and we fill it up. being the ancient pump that it is, the lever to hold it so you don't have to is broken and it pumps slower than molasses. so i jimmy rig it with my wallet so i don't have to stand there for 10 minutes with a cramping hand.
finally, it's full.
we pile back in and i say...okay! i feel better, i will take you anywhere now! whew!
so he says, we live another 10 miles or so. can you take us there? i say, sure! i've never been out here, it is BEAUTIFUL, i'm enjoying the conversation, i want to somehow steal the puppy....it's all good.
i get some interesting history about the area, and who lives where and what they are like, pass a church for abused women only, with a faded wooden sign that you can barely read....swerve to miss a pitbull running in the road...pass a tree that they point out is shaped JUST like a cow...it did.
we go about 10 miles and he says...okay, youi'll turn left up here...i do, it's a dirt road, we go about 2 miles and as we pass this house, he says....oh, this is a funny story...a veteren lives there, and one day all the neighbors realized they were smelling this awful smell, and they knew this guy hunted and took in stray animals, so they called the authorities to check it out, and it turned out the guy had gone crazy and was killing animals and putting them behind sheetrock in all of his walls!
WTF!?!?! i'd of liked to been in his head for a minute to figure out WHAT and WHY he was doing this!
their house finally comes up on the left, it's a mobile home with a fence of wagon wheels and neat antiquities....they thank me and get out.
i put in some kidrock, blast it and head back. as i'm driving i feel good. i feel free, adventurous, i helped someone and it fed a part of me that i push down a lot.
by this time it is 1 1/2 hours PAST when i was supposed to meet bruce and still another good 40 minutes to get to him so i decide, i will stop by the office to call him and by this time i REALLY have to pee.
i call bruce and say...GAWD, i'm so sorry to keep you waiting and explain where i had to go.
he says..meet me in the same place. i am still waiting.
i speed to our meeting point and he jumps out of his truck to get his package. i say...
have you been waiting all of this time?
he says...THAT doesn't matter! let me explain something to you. you have to be very careful. you were missimg WAY to long, i called the cell number back to trace it JUST incase and if i hadn't heard from you by 5 i was going to call the police. i realize you made a judgement call, and you did the right thing helping but please be careful! you JUST never know!
i said...thank you bruce, i appreciate your concern! i can tell you were worried. i am sorry!
so, what did i take from this?
i love that i have learned to trust my gut and act on it. if we pass these moments up, we miss out on LIFE and connection to other life and the pleasure of adventure and helping...
i learned, when you forget your cell phone, turn around and go get it!
i learned that people worry about me! me? wow! bruce hadn't SAID it but he would not have reacted the way he did if it weren't for caring. i feel warm inside.
i realized that all of my life i have had these voices in my head from things people said to me growing up...that before would have prevented me from helping and to worry if i did. that i had made the wrong choice and something bad would happen, it would be my own dumb fault and bad danielle.
fuck it!
paying it forward paid off!
i have passed many persons on that road because i did not trust the situation, i followed my gut. this time i followed it as well and i am glad i did.
i love and care and i AM loved and cared for.
peace!
so, they gather their stuff and hop in the truck and i say....where are we going? i am still heading north toward tijeras.
BTW, i had forgotten my cell phone today and was on my way to meet the boss to drop something off....
the guy says...can you take us home?
sure.
do you know where tajika is?
i'm thinking a street....
no, i say.
do u know where escabosa is?
i'm thinking a street....
no, i say.
do you know where chilili is?
then it dawns on me...oh! i need to head BACK toward work. shoot, i am on empty and can only drive about 20 miles and my boss is waiting. the guy says, it's only 9 miles or so, you can drop us there and i will get you gas.
"there" is this little store just beyond where i work, where they bought the car from that morning and the guy they bought it from has a supply of gas, altho not to the public.
so, at a certain point the couple gets cell service and i say...do you mind if i call my boss? he's waiting.
so, i call bruce and say...i will be a little late, i am giving a couple a ride, their car overheated. he says okay! no problem, i'll wait.
i'm still thinking...this will only take an extra 20 MAYBE 30 minutes....
BTW, the couple introduces themselves and their tiny puppies. sweet, sweet couple. no bad vibes, and besides before they got in the car i put my handy dandy pocketknife in my pocket.....JUST INCASE. i follow my gut but use my smarts! ;)
so we get to the store and the guy goes in, i chat with the wife and cuddle the teacup puppy. she is still shivering.
the guy comes out....the man who was supposed to be there JUST left and his cell is out of range! so this means....no gas.
well, i'm commited at this point. i'm down to like 9 miles of gas left and town is a good 30. so he says...we can go to tajika, its another 9 miles or so, there is a small gas station there. i say...okay, i am trusting you.
my gut is still giving the okay.
so we head to tajika. my little guage is eventually saying 0. he says...it's close! i promise...as i'm purposely coasting down every hill i can.
we get to a stop sign, more like 18 miles down the road and he says, turn right, 1 more mile, i promise!
i was getting nervous!
i turn right, and i'm sweating a little, my neck tenses up...nervous I will get stranded as well!
finally, a tiny town pops up and there is a little pump with 3 tanks. i drive up and see out of order on the first one, out of order on the second one...oh this is bad....whew! 3rd one is working.
okay, he gives me money, and we fill it up. being the ancient pump that it is, the lever to hold it so you don't have to is broken and it pumps slower than molasses. so i jimmy rig it with my wallet so i don't have to stand there for 10 minutes with a cramping hand.
finally, it's full.
we pile back in and i say...okay! i feel better, i will take you anywhere now! whew!
so he says, we live another 10 miles or so. can you take us there? i say, sure! i've never been out here, it is BEAUTIFUL, i'm enjoying the conversation, i want to somehow steal the puppy....it's all good.
i get some interesting history about the area, and who lives where and what they are like, pass a church for abused women only, with a faded wooden sign that you can barely read....swerve to miss a pitbull running in the road...pass a tree that they point out is shaped JUST like a cow...it did.
we go about 10 miles and he says...okay, youi'll turn left up here...i do, it's a dirt road, we go about 2 miles and as we pass this house, he says....oh, this is a funny story...a veteren lives there, and one day all the neighbors realized they were smelling this awful smell, and they knew this guy hunted and took in stray animals, so they called the authorities to check it out, and it turned out the guy had gone crazy and was killing animals and putting them behind sheetrock in all of his walls!
WTF!?!?! i'd of liked to been in his head for a minute to figure out WHAT and WHY he was doing this!
their house finally comes up on the left, it's a mobile home with a fence of wagon wheels and neat antiquities....they thank me and get out.
i put in some kidrock, blast it and head back. as i'm driving i feel good. i feel free, adventurous, i helped someone and it fed a part of me that i push down a lot.
by this time it is 1 1/2 hours PAST when i was supposed to meet bruce and still another good 40 minutes to get to him so i decide, i will stop by the office to call him and by this time i REALLY have to pee.
i call bruce and say...GAWD, i'm so sorry to keep you waiting and explain where i had to go.
he says..meet me in the same place. i am still waiting.
i speed to our meeting point and he jumps out of his truck to get his package. i say...
have you been waiting all of this time?
he says...THAT doesn't matter! let me explain something to you. you have to be very careful. you were missimg WAY to long, i called the cell number back to trace it JUST incase and if i hadn't heard from you by 5 i was going to call the police. i realize you made a judgement call, and you did the right thing helping but please be careful! you JUST never know!
i said...thank you bruce, i appreciate your concern! i can tell you were worried. i am sorry!
so, what did i take from this?
i love that i have learned to trust my gut and act on it. if we pass these moments up, we miss out on LIFE and connection to other life and the pleasure of adventure and helping...
i learned, when you forget your cell phone, turn around and go get it!
i learned that people worry about me! me? wow! bruce hadn't SAID it but he would not have reacted the way he did if it weren't for caring. i feel warm inside.
i realized that all of my life i have had these voices in my head from things people said to me growing up...that before would have prevented me from helping and to worry if i did. that i had made the wrong choice and something bad would happen, it would be my own dumb fault and bad danielle.
fuck it!
paying it forward paid off!
i have passed many persons on that road because i did not trust the situation, i followed my gut. this time i followed it as well and i am glad i did.
i love and care and i AM loved and cared for.
peace!
Monday, January 3, 2011
dear mom and dad....Nov 2010...
right after i had my miscarriage i went through a range of emotions.....this came out late one night...
i finally feel ANGEt toward you and here is what i have to say...your very first words were, i hope you come back to jehovah! well, i didn't leave him, you and your religion left me! you have used the religion to avoid, justify, deflect, judge, dismiss, criticize and any other word that fits iinto that genre and you have passed this bundle of joy onto your children leaving us with a beautifully packaged, seemingly moral corpse. you have produced an athiest, 2 in denial alcoholics and a drug addict, 2 molestor sons and a sexuallu abused daughter who is emotionally scarred for life and me...who had abused myself out of hatred and disgust for myself for nearly 40 years, from an eating disorder to exercise and diet addiction to using alcohol to numb out to disassociating cuz i couldn't deal anymore and a very expensive breakdown. thank you! great job! and now you sit in your pious humility with the belief that you did your best and we are the fuck ups and we are to blame for all we've had to deal with! bravo! and you want me to come back? to what!?!?! you are the most uptight, joyless people i know, always worried about appearances and what others are thinking and god forbid you offend someone or your god. you are so uptight i don't even think you know your favorite color or flower. do you?
god w ill give us what we need and you pray for help and no help comes and in the meantime you suffer in the name of your faith! this application of faith had hindered you from learning to fend for yourself. what an awful, defaulted way to live! and you hold the belief of...i will do that in paradise! thats disassociating! so you can't enjoy now? mom, why do you drink? to check out of your misery! dad, why do you completely disassociate from your children and past? very sad! more for you t han anyone else! we are pretty awesome kids inspite of our struggles that we deal with from being abandoned by you! you are the one that has missed out! not us! why would i want you in my life if you could care less what or how i'm doing. i used to imagine us walking along the beach in paradise just talking about life and beauty...no more! life and beauty are now! and your not in it! bummer fro you! i'm pretty awesome! even if i do "die at armageddon" at least i'll die knowing i lived and didn't default!
i finally feel ANGEt toward you and here is what i have to say...your very first words were, i hope you come back to jehovah! well, i didn't leave him, you and your religion left me! you have used the religion to avoid, justify, deflect, judge, dismiss, criticize and any other word that fits iinto that genre and you have passed this bundle of joy onto your children leaving us with a beautifully packaged, seemingly moral corpse. you have produced an athiest, 2 in denial alcoholics and a drug addict, 2 molestor sons and a sexuallu abused daughter who is emotionally scarred for life and me...who had abused myself out of hatred and disgust for myself for nearly 40 years, from an eating disorder to exercise and diet addiction to using alcohol to numb out to disassociating cuz i couldn't deal anymore and a very expensive breakdown. thank you! great job! and now you sit in your pious humility with the belief that you did your best and we are the fuck ups and we are to blame for all we've had to deal with! bravo! and you want me to come back? to what!?!?! you are the most uptight, joyless people i know, always worried about appearances and what others are thinking and god forbid you offend someone or your god. you are so uptight i don't even think you know your favorite color or flower. do you?
god w ill give us what we need and you pray for help and no help comes and in the meantime you suffer in the name of your faith! this application of faith had hindered you from learning to fend for yourself. what an awful, defaulted way to live! and you hold the belief of...i will do that in paradise! thats disassociating! so you can't enjoy now? mom, why do you drink? to check out of your misery! dad, why do you completely disassociate from your children and past? very sad! more for you t han anyone else! we are pretty awesome kids inspite of our struggles that we deal with from being abandoned by you! you are the one that has missed out! not us! why would i want you in my life if you could care less what or how i'm doing. i used to imagine us walking along the beach in paradise just talking about life and beauty...no more! life and beauty are now! and your not in it! bummer fro you! i'm pretty awesome! even if i do "die at armageddon" at least i'll die knowing i lived and didn't default!
dear mr. mangum...
i have such an awesome man! sometimes i am surprised at what he tolerates in me. i am so used to rigid rules and not speaking up that when i go outside those lines i still fear a consequence. i do it anyway but i still fear the fall out!
i do not want to ever cause my man to lose his dignity or manlihood, that would harm more than just him. occasionally i attempt to prove my point though, when i know i am right. it is at these times that i see a saddened, broken man, angered at times but amazingly enough, he always comes to me and apologizes. i have made him think? perhaps? or he doesn't want ill between us? or he is beyond kind? then i apologize for speaking out of turn or when and where it was inappropriate. he accepts my apology. is this how it is supposed to work? a get out of jail free card? i feel like i should be punished more. the elders should be told or i will incur something bad for the wrong i have done? sometimes i hate the voices in my head. too many voices and opinions going on in there. i have lived too many lives and observed too many lives and sympathize with too many sides. they all translate to voices. what if this? what if that? my mind is often tortured. i had one friend tell me that i was the most pensive friend she ever had. oddly enough, inside, i am playful and fun and laugh a lot, but i know i can appear pensive. there is so much input i am sorting in any given situation. i know no differently, i suppose this is why i hate smoking pot. i do not like the wandering, seemingly out of mind control feeling.
anyway, back to my man...i adore him. despite what others may think, he is kind and reflective, humble, gentle, tolerant and a treasure. i love him! and these qualities in him make me strive to be a better person. his qualities make me want to root out and change the things i find that i do not like about myself. that is big! for me!
thank you mr. mangum! i adore you!
i do not want to ever cause my man to lose his dignity or manlihood, that would harm more than just him. occasionally i attempt to prove my point though, when i know i am right. it is at these times that i see a saddened, broken man, angered at times but amazingly enough, he always comes to me and apologizes. i have made him think? perhaps? or he doesn't want ill between us? or he is beyond kind? then i apologize for speaking out of turn or when and where it was inappropriate. he accepts my apology. is this how it is supposed to work? a get out of jail free card? i feel like i should be punished more. the elders should be told or i will incur something bad for the wrong i have done? sometimes i hate the voices in my head. too many voices and opinions going on in there. i have lived too many lives and observed too many lives and sympathize with too many sides. they all translate to voices. what if this? what if that? my mind is often tortured. i had one friend tell me that i was the most pensive friend she ever had. oddly enough, inside, i am playful and fun and laugh a lot, but i know i can appear pensive. there is so much input i am sorting in any given situation. i know no differently, i suppose this is why i hate smoking pot. i do not like the wandering, seemingly out of mind control feeling.
anyway, back to my man...i adore him. despite what others may think, he is kind and reflective, humble, gentle, tolerant and a treasure. i love him! and these qualities in him make me strive to be a better person. his qualities make me want to root out and change the things i find that i do not like about myself. that is big! for me!
thank you mr. mangum! i adore you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
