still reading the shakti gawain book....good stuff...
something i learned last night is an illustration about yin, being our female side and yang, being our male side. "Society" has trained us to usually ignore one side or the other.
the yin, is our intuition and guiding, motherly spirit.
the yang is the part of us that executes our yin side.
so, shakti said to ask yourself to reveal your inner yin and be open to the response.
i saw a crouching child at first, scared into silence.
i realized i WANT her to become older, wise, beautiful, white flowing gowns, etherial.
i found myself "thinking"...i am afraid of her...she is not logical! if i listen to her she may lead me in a direction "i" don't want to go. does she cause my physical pain?
she says: please, just listen to me...i want to RELAX, appreciate what you have..i will give you cancer if you keep ignoring me. u are beautiful and wise. u need to take some steps. use your boldness to get closer to what you want. it's okay, you are in a safe place. u need to take care of yourself, there is a niche waiting for you. my name is danielle but i have altered my purity so that you would LISTEN to me. i love children, and love, and beauty, and animals and gardens, and flowers and home and family.
next shakti said to draw your yang...i wrote what i saw...first impression was an older guy from the 20's, in a tweed suit and hat,brewing, had a mustach....(possibly representing old ideals?) then i saw nothing, then another man standing up...muscular, italian, wife beater and jeans on and ready to "go". (he came out of an alley, a heap of boxes to be exact.)
he said: this is ridiculous! pain is not an option, it is not necessary! alright, what is yin saying to do? let's go DO it!
(yin smiles)
he asks her: what would you like me to do for you?
pause...
build a garden, get more work, we need money,i want a diamond necklace a new car, babies, stop being paranoid, get your taxes done, ackowledge becky, cherish heather, libby is a godsend, thank joanie, she is an angel, find out whats going on with kathleen P., and your onto something with celiac disease.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
2nd day....
of gluten free!
geez! it's in EVERYTHING!
even brie...it is brined in a wheat product,
mayo, lipgloss....seasonings, ANYTHING with "white flour"...
anyway, so for 2 days i have avoided gluten (to my knowledge) but i can tell you that i feel better already! all of my life i could pretty much guarantee that after i eat, this is how i could count on feeling....
headache, stomach ache, sweats, gas, bloating, ribs would hurt, low blood sugar feeling, tired, black out feeling, dizzy....
sometimes worse than others.
at 8 i remember vomiting everynight and having blood in my stool.
at 15 i remember involuntarily puking after most meals, (although i DID have an eating disorder, it wasn't hard to puke cuz my stomach did it for me)
at 23ish i remember going vegan and avoiding wheat and doing the blood type diet and feeling a lot better but the symptoms weren't completely gone.
over the years my muscle aches and fatigue have worsened gradually.
i went raw vegan in jan 2010 but i was still getting the above symptoms.
so, 2nd day...no stomach ache after meals. i am trying to keep it vegan,, although i plan on experimenting.
just gotta keep it simple and pure and make my own stuff!
geez! it's in EVERYTHING!
even brie...it is brined in a wheat product,
mayo, lipgloss....seasonings, ANYTHING with "white flour"...
anyway, so for 2 days i have avoided gluten (to my knowledge) but i can tell you that i feel better already! all of my life i could pretty much guarantee that after i eat, this is how i could count on feeling....
headache, stomach ache, sweats, gas, bloating, ribs would hurt, low blood sugar feeling, tired, black out feeling, dizzy....
sometimes worse than others.
at 8 i remember vomiting everynight and having blood in my stool.
at 15 i remember involuntarily puking after most meals, (although i DID have an eating disorder, it wasn't hard to puke cuz my stomach did it for me)
at 23ish i remember going vegan and avoiding wheat and doing the blood type diet and feeling a lot better but the symptoms weren't completely gone.
over the years my muscle aches and fatigue have worsened gradually.
i went raw vegan in jan 2010 but i was still getting the above symptoms.
so, 2nd day...no stomach ache after meals. i am trying to keep it vegan,, although i plan on experimenting.
just gotta keep it simple and pure and make my own stuff!
Monday, February 22, 2010
i kinda wanna cry at the moment...
i've been doing research on celiac disease and am VERY convinced i have this!
i have NEVER believed i had IBS, Fibromyalgia, CFS, asthma etc, etc....because the symptoms would come and go and/or would improve when i was vegan, raw vegan and eliminated wheat.
unfortunately the doctors have never tested me for this but instead have prescribed...endless meds, which i'm sure have exacerbated my issues.
i can tell my bones are deteriorating, my small intestine hurts most of the time after i eat, i HURT all the time, am fatigued, get tingling in my feet and arms, have always been borderline anemic, etc, etc, etc...ALL of which can be explained by having celiac.
for those who don't know what it is....the villi in your small intestine lays flat instead of up, because of an "allergy" to ANY wheat form (aka: gluten), therefore they cannot absorb nutrition from your food.
the next step?
eliminate gluten!!!!
i'll keep you updated.
i have NEVER believed i had IBS, Fibromyalgia, CFS, asthma etc, etc....because the symptoms would come and go and/or would improve when i was vegan, raw vegan and eliminated wheat.
unfortunately the doctors have never tested me for this but instead have prescribed...endless meds, which i'm sure have exacerbated my issues.
i can tell my bones are deteriorating, my small intestine hurts most of the time after i eat, i HURT all the time, am fatigued, get tingling in my feet and arms, have always been borderline anemic, etc, etc, etc...ALL of which can be explained by having celiac.
for those who don't know what it is....the villi in your small intestine lays flat instead of up, because of an "allergy" to ANY wheat form (aka: gluten), therefore they cannot absorb nutrition from your food.
the next step?
eliminate gluten!!!!
i'll keep you updated.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
i think i'm onto something...
i've had this mood for a couple months now!
ever since the whole tom/kendra thing. it REALLY effed me up! i've even almost called michael, tom a few times! i feel like my mood and responses all of a sudden changed to survival mode, like when i was married to him!
and i became angry, dissatisfied, sad, suspicious of everything....not good!
thanks f*cker! still effing up my life! WHY do you think i left you, you idiot!
get a life and let me get on with mine asshole!
ever since the whole tom/kendra thing. it REALLY effed me up! i've even almost called michael, tom a few times! i feel like my mood and responses all of a sudden changed to survival mode, like when i was married to him!
and i became angry, dissatisfied, sad, suspicious of everything....not good!
thanks f*cker! still effing up my life! WHY do you think i left you, you idiot!
get a life and let me get on with mine asshole!
a new leaf...
i am realizing that i have been VERY hard on myself lately! well, the whole past year! a weakness of mine...demanding far too much of myself! i mean, new job, new city, new friends and family, new relationship, new weather, new, new, new.
my body has taken a toll which in turn is affecting all of these other "new" things to deal with!
i am still unclear sometimes on what to expect from myself. my intentions far outreach my abilities most of the time!
what do i need to learn from this?
my body has taken a toll which in turn is affecting all of these other "new" things to deal with!
i am still unclear sometimes on what to expect from myself. my intentions far outreach my abilities most of the time!
what do i need to learn from this?
Thursday, February 11, 2010
all i do is bitch...
it seems all of my latest posts have been beefs about something!
i have been in a funk though. i'm so tired of it!
i've been in a lot of pain...like on the verge of tears, pain. thats no fun.
that makes me moody too. like, i have no tolerance for anything.
BLAH!
off the top of my head...i feel lonely, i miss my friends and sister in l.a.
i'm sick of not having money, i want to work more, i'm tired of not being able to help michael with more bills, i'm sick of fox news!
it is so strange living in a completely new place. everything is new and unfamiliar. EVERYTHING! and it get's to be a lot sometimes. people are different here too! people dress different, live different, drive different, talk different. thats hard sometimes.
so, to put it into perspective...i am in pain, i'm sad and lonely, then i go do errands and don't know my way around and then i look around at people and feel out of place. it gets to me.
don;t get me wrong! i have NEVER thought....
thats it! i give up. i'm going back to la, it just wears me down.
it is also strange being in a fairly new relationship, with all that brings and not having the grounding feeling of family and friends.
i also feel like i am struggling with not having a belief system. having had one all of my life, i am accustomed to that. NOT having one feels scary and alienating, and abit dark.
i think i am over winter too. it is SOOOOO pretty but i'm ready for the spring. =-)
i also think in some weird twisted way that because i am in a normal relationship and not a twisted, abusive one that i am freaking out inside because that is so new to me. i find myself responding to things like i am used to but it's not working anymore because this relationship is so different.
also, michael has a very sarcastic sense of humor which generally i am so on top of. it doesn;t phase me and i dish it back but because i am feeling down, it bothers me. i find myself crying at the silliest things.
anyway.
blah, blah, blah!
i have been in a funk though. i'm so tired of it!
i've been in a lot of pain...like on the verge of tears, pain. thats no fun.
that makes me moody too. like, i have no tolerance for anything.
BLAH!
off the top of my head...i feel lonely, i miss my friends and sister in l.a.
i'm sick of not having money, i want to work more, i'm tired of not being able to help michael with more bills, i'm sick of fox news!
it is so strange living in a completely new place. everything is new and unfamiliar. EVERYTHING! and it get's to be a lot sometimes. people are different here too! people dress different, live different, drive different, talk different. thats hard sometimes.
so, to put it into perspective...i am in pain, i'm sad and lonely, then i go do errands and don't know my way around and then i look around at people and feel out of place. it gets to me.
don;t get me wrong! i have NEVER thought....
thats it! i give up. i'm going back to la, it just wears me down.
it is also strange being in a fairly new relationship, with all that brings and not having the grounding feeling of family and friends.
i also feel like i am struggling with not having a belief system. having had one all of my life, i am accustomed to that. NOT having one feels scary and alienating, and abit dark.
i think i am over winter too. it is SOOOOO pretty but i'm ready for the spring. =-)
i also think in some weird twisted way that because i am in a normal relationship and not a twisted, abusive one that i am freaking out inside because that is so new to me. i find myself responding to things like i am used to but it's not working anymore because this relationship is so different.
also, michael has a very sarcastic sense of humor which generally i am so on top of. it doesn;t phase me and i dish it back but because i am feeling down, it bothers me. i find myself crying at the silliest things.
anyway.
blah, blah, blah!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
a beef....
so, if ya'll haven't already heard...i'm sooooo annoyed with people who request to be your friend on FB and then just DISAPPEAR!?!?!?!...with no goodbye or explanantion.
they request to be YOUR friend....no the other way around...
now, as far as the JW's go, i understand, to an extent...because it is part of their belief system, BUT, they are not consistent. they may not speak to you but are friends with OTHER disfellowshipped people.
this leaves me wondering why i'm not worthy enough to be your friend....you confused, hypocritical person.
recently though, i had a guy request to be my friend who i have known on other sites. i have chatted with him on "living better" sites and "raw Vegan" sites.
i got a request, chatted with him for a few days and poof! he's gone.
i found him under a WHOLE different name.
as i write all of this, i reallly hate that i have become so petty and concerned over non important things which leads me to believe this is an insecurity i need to address.
logically...WHO REALLY gives a shit weather someone wants to be your friend or not. in real life...we just carry on and keep the ones we really want around.
right!?!?!
as far as the jw's, i sense that it is another case of them denying their inner spirits. they constantly struggle with their mind and spirit. it doesn't line up, thus inconsistency and APPARANT hypocrisy!
whatever!
they request to be YOUR friend....no the other way around...
now, as far as the JW's go, i understand, to an extent...because it is part of their belief system, BUT, they are not consistent. they may not speak to you but are friends with OTHER disfellowshipped people.
this leaves me wondering why i'm not worthy enough to be your friend....you confused, hypocritical person.
recently though, i had a guy request to be my friend who i have known on other sites. i have chatted with him on "living better" sites and "raw Vegan" sites.
i got a request, chatted with him for a few days and poof! he's gone.
i found him under a WHOLE different name.
as i write all of this, i reallly hate that i have become so petty and concerned over non important things which leads me to believe this is an insecurity i need to address.
logically...WHO REALLY gives a shit weather someone wants to be your friend or not. in real life...we just carry on and keep the ones we really want around.
right!?!?!
as far as the jw's, i sense that it is another case of them denying their inner spirits. they constantly struggle with their mind and spirit. it doesn't line up, thus inconsistency and APPARANT hypocrisy!
whatever!
Monday, February 1, 2010
living in the light...
...all of my life i have felt...out of my body!
i have felt like i don't belong in human form. i have been uncomfortable with my body and even allowed myself to abuse my body because i didn't appreciate the value of it. i allowed myself to BE abused as well. i allowed myself to ignore my intuition and found myself in many unfortunate circumstances.
i have felt i had different personalities inside me. i felt i would come to moments of clarity but something would take over, logic?, religion?, basically my mind...and those clear moments would disappear and i'd feel crazy. especially since i did not have people around me who experienced anything similar.
i have always heard and felt this struggle within between body and mind but didn't know how to put words to it. i have felt like it was unfortunate that i had to live in a physical form because i had sooooo much more aspiring with in me and my body wouldn't cooperate.
i have struggled with alot of PAIN, i'm sure because of this struggle within and because i didn't KNOW how to change it.
fortunately my intuition knew. even though I didn't know.
it is amazing to look back to 5 years ago and observe that my intuition took over for me when my brain had shut down. i ended up soooo depressed, and suicidal and hopeless and in pain, YET, something took over, and i took one step after another until i found HERE!
thank you "intuition"! or i would have died. =-)
one step after another until i got it right. or at least on the right path!
even when my family and friends and religion said i was/am wrong and a heathen for my choices and chose to remove themselves from my life. it's okay! they would have hindered my journey. i am not angry but relieved. at times i am grateful because my journey would have been that much more difficult having to deal with naysayers and doubters and persons who didn;t understand and support my choices.
PERHAPS, down the road i can return to them but on my terms.
i am reading this book called...living in the light, by shakti gawain.
i was giving a massage and explaining to my client where i was in my journey regarding "spirituality"? i guess is what it could be termed.
i was explaining how i have felt dark inside for a couple months and didn't exactly know why. i THOUGHT maybe it was because i have had a faith my whole life and a HOPE for the future etc. and now i did not. and i haven't been sure how to replace it. going back to the religion i came from didn't seem the answer. that would be too easy. a quick fix. it never worked before so why kid myself and think going back would be the answer. supposedly it would SAVE me but i don't want to be saved at the expense of my inner self. not anymore.
anyway, my friend said....i have a book for you! she gave me living in the light!
i am so grateful! it is EXACTLY what i need to be reading right now! it is putting words and explanations to things i have felt for a long time. it has been very validating and enlightening. CURRENTLY i am reading the difference between the body and spirit and how to have them CO EXIST!
ah, relief! i can utilize both! i feel hope.
my spirit is here for a reason, in physical form, for a reason. i need to respect that and find ways to learn and live and aspire within that. what a privilaged journey!
i have felt like i don't belong in human form. i have been uncomfortable with my body and even allowed myself to abuse my body because i didn't appreciate the value of it. i allowed myself to BE abused as well. i allowed myself to ignore my intuition and found myself in many unfortunate circumstances.
i have felt i had different personalities inside me. i felt i would come to moments of clarity but something would take over, logic?, religion?, basically my mind...and those clear moments would disappear and i'd feel crazy. especially since i did not have people around me who experienced anything similar.
i have always heard and felt this struggle within between body and mind but didn't know how to put words to it. i have felt like it was unfortunate that i had to live in a physical form because i had sooooo much more aspiring with in me and my body wouldn't cooperate.
i have struggled with alot of PAIN, i'm sure because of this struggle within and because i didn't KNOW how to change it.
fortunately my intuition knew. even though I didn't know.
it is amazing to look back to 5 years ago and observe that my intuition took over for me when my brain had shut down. i ended up soooo depressed, and suicidal and hopeless and in pain, YET, something took over, and i took one step after another until i found HERE!
thank you "intuition"! or i would have died. =-)
one step after another until i got it right. or at least on the right path!
even when my family and friends and religion said i was/am wrong and a heathen for my choices and chose to remove themselves from my life. it's okay! they would have hindered my journey. i am not angry but relieved. at times i am grateful because my journey would have been that much more difficult having to deal with naysayers and doubters and persons who didn;t understand and support my choices.
PERHAPS, down the road i can return to them but on my terms.
i am reading this book called...living in the light, by shakti gawain.
i was giving a massage and explaining to my client where i was in my journey regarding "spirituality"? i guess is what it could be termed.
i was explaining how i have felt dark inside for a couple months and didn't exactly know why. i THOUGHT maybe it was because i have had a faith my whole life and a HOPE for the future etc. and now i did not. and i haven't been sure how to replace it. going back to the religion i came from didn't seem the answer. that would be too easy. a quick fix. it never worked before so why kid myself and think going back would be the answer. supposedly it would SAVE me but i don't want to be saved at the expense of my inner self. not anymore.
anyway, my friend said....i have a book for you! she gave me living in the light!
i am so grateful! it is EXACTLY what i need to be reading right now! it is putting words and explanations to things i have felt for a long time. it has been very validating and enlightening. CURRENTLY i am reading the difference between the body and spirit and how to have them CO EXIST!
ah, relief! i can utilize both! i feel hope.
my spirit is here for a reason, in physical form, for a reason. i need to respect that and find ways to learn and live and aspire within that. what a privilaged journey!
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