some things i forgot to mention...

my nan called me a couple of days before xmas. she is adorable. she always says, in a soft voice...hello, do you know who this is? i always smile and say....NAN!!!! and she giggles, as if she is surprised that i recognized her voice. she has always been there for us in her own way, not affectionately, she has a hard time saying "i love you" and not monetarily, although, on a couple of occasions, she did send me checks for $200, if i was having hard times, like when i left tom and was living in my car etc.
she has held back a lot because of us being jw's. she has always disliked the religion, altho she has respected us and complimented my mom on how well educated and behaved us kids were. since i have been df'd, she seems to be abit more open to me, or maybe it's the other way around and i am more open to her now. we always held back a little with her, as we did with ANYONE who wasn't a JW.
last year, i sent her a litte care package and card around xmas and she called to thank me. i could tell she was tickled.
this year, when she called, i had just put a card in the mail that day to her and gary. i was able to tell her about the past year, and my miscarriage and trying for babies this next year, and stef's pregnancy. she then called my mom a couple of days later and repeated everything to her. my mom emailed me saying that she "heard" about my miscarriage and trying to have babies. she said...i would love another grandbaby, especially from my firstborn who did so well raising my kids, and i know you will keep trying and succeed."
like my sister says...you never know what reaction your gonna get from my mom. sometimes she is open and loving, other times she is closed and venomous.
anyway, i am most sidetracked....
i went out and got my FUGGS last night. stella and roger got me a sweater from kohls, which i absolutely LOVED, but it was way to small, as usual my boobs busted out of it so i exchanged it for some dark brown UGG like boots from there. the boots were on sale from $60 down to $24.99. so, thank you stella and roger! ;)
we have dave and laurie and their adorable 3 boys in town and went to river of lights last night. it was flippin. friggin, bleepin' cold! it was insane to be out there. it was like 20 degrees and with the windchill, more like 5! seriously! but man, was it beautiful! i am sooooo glad we went! i would have been bummed to have missed it another year. my favorite parts were the raindrops looking lights in the trees, the hummingbirds seemingly flying around, and the kids castle. as you walked through the castle you felt like alice in wonderland. there were labyrinths, giant carrots, mushrooms, eggs, ants etc...there was a room you could walk in that had a swinging disco ball effect so you got dizzy standing there. there was a cavelike area with fiber optic lighing hanging through netting from the ceiling and a grove of trees filled with all different colors of lights. we stood in the middle and blinked really fast and spun around, what an awesome site. the kids loved it too!
anyway, i am being ousted from the computer. michael needs on to take a test and i'm gonna go watch madmen.
peace to all.

have you seen the price of gas!?!?!

got half way to work today and michael called to tell me he needed his state capitol keys out of the truck! hmph! turn around, drive ALL the way back to walmart at wyoming and academy! *i'm giving a look* oh well, i got to say goodbye to him twice today! mwah!

December 2010...

I am so grateful! SOOOO much has happened this last week i can barely remember it all.
12/16: First, on our last poker night, they all threw me a surprise bday party, with indian tacos, brownies with my name written in candy canes, a really cool gift from julia and ed...baking items, YES! and michael got me season 1 of Madmen! score. i somehow ended up with extra money at the end of the game too! hmmmmm.
12/18: the next night we attended the harmonix christmas dinner, with filet mignon, free drinks, cheesecake...always classy! (i got really nauteos and had to go lay down, but it was still awesome!) I also won a drawing and got $25 gift certificate to Olive Garden.
12/20: on sunday, roger and stella came in from texas, so i went over to meet them. we ended up cooking breakfast over there. very nice. i enjoyed them.
12/22: Last tuesday, was loys bday, so we went to ruby's for brisquet and sausage. YUM! i had been craving farmers sausage for days! PMS.
that night jenn brought me a card and gift for my bday! PERFECT! so cute! a leopard pillow, a fancy wine glass, a crystal bottle stopper and an adorable card. love you sis!
after that roger and stella came over and brought me 2 bday gifts. bev got me my favorite perfume from whole foods, 3 different kinds! and a hawaiin flower for my hair. what a doll. i said..i didn't expect all 3 kinds...she said, thats how much i love you! wow! humbled!
stella and roger picked out an adorable grey sweater with a fur collar. LOVE it! it's a lil small, so i hope i can find a replacement.
12/23: the next day was my actual bday. michael had it off, so we did some xmas shopping and then he treated me to dinner. i chose filet mignon, shrimp, my favorite salad with sparkling juice. we made it at home. roger and stella asked to come over so sadly, it got a little cold and disrupted but, michael always spoils me. i cannot overlook that!
we got in a little argument over xmas and opening gifts early and telling people what i got them....whatever! it passed!
he also got me seasons 2 and 3 of madmen! REALLY!?!?!
12/24: the next day was more shopping, and a nice lunch. michael took me to AA Buffet! LOVE that place!
later that night julia and ed came over for a movie and pizza.. that was nice! xmas eve, friends and relaxing! even tho i was abit stressed out! 8-0~ they brought michael a nice wireless earphone set! wow! i got a mug filled with candies, hot cocoa, irish cream, and a lotto ticket! whoo hoo and also the main gift of all kinds of bath items! that rocked! i use them everyday! julia always knows how to help me relax!
12/25: xmas day! it was abit exhausting, but memorable! =-)
we did lunch at loy and bevs, with jasper and jan joining us as well as tamara and her kids!
we bought the groceries and cooked at our house and brought it over there cuz there place can hold more and they had a xmas tree up.
after lunch we all exchanged gifts.
here's what i got:
4 pair of silver earrings, thank you stella and roger
a hawaiin calendar: thx bev and loy, i use mine at work and love it
a microwave for both of us from all of the mangums and wilsons! wow! thanks!
a nice canvas hawaiin tote: thank you bev and loy!
a wooden frame with a collar decoration for a picture of buddha: thank you bev! perfect! i love it!
a long list of exactly what i've been wanting in my kitchen as far as utensils!
silpat, pastry cutter, pizza cutter, wooden spoons....PERFECT! i am thrilled.
michael got us a vacuum
michael got his side sleep pillow, his slippers, olive oil sprayer, mortar and pestle, to go mugs, julia and ed got him 8 new glasses, 2 mugs, dishtowels and rags, SCORE!
i know he got but i can't remember.
we got a chord of wood from loy!
buddha got ALL kinds of stuff, a new monkey toy, a 2 foot bone, treats, chew toys....SPOILED!
cat got a catnip and a toy! he was in heaven! until buddha stole the toy! REALLY!?!?!
later that night, we wnet to heathers for white elephant and talent show! always a treat!
heather and craig won the talent show with a montage of the past 10 years of xmas parties! perfect!
the white elephant was cut throat as usual! i ended up with 4 free movie tickets and michael got his stripper clock back! yes! score!
leading up to that, michael had gotten a nice set of towels and i had stolen a purple furry throw from nan. bad danielle. but meridee had her man steal it from me. is that fair? (nooooooo)
we also, got the joy of watching everyone open their gifts and a few pix of jordan and chelcie.
the highlite of my night was sitting by michael and he looked at me through the montage, and i could see in his eyes through slight tears, how much he loved me and appreciated that i was there with him, for a second xmas. sometimes, it seems it's like he wakes up and realizes how much time has passed and how many memories we've made, and it hits him how appreciative he is! SMILE
sunday and monday, i really wanted to recoup and pamper myself, but that didn;t happen. it seemed things kept taking over, go here, do that, people over....
oh well!
monday, i gave stella a massage, part of her xmas gift. that night they came for dinner and a movie, i also made her a frame of her dog lucky, like the one i made for pooh!
12/28: tuesday! i took the day off! i am trying to recoup! michael went to work, doggy is outside and here i sit! i slept in til 11:30, started my period. blah!
i got my dummies book ordered! this is good.
i hope to dye my hair and do my toes, clean a little and work on my crafts!
love to all.
friday night is new years eve at heather! mwah!
oh, and not to forget, the awesome care package that annie sent out with pictures, frames...all kinds of fun stuff! mwah!

blabber, blabber...

fri-toes, vicoden, get check, neck hurts, massages, no money for x-mas, bad moods, lost at poker, peppermint tea....ahhhh! crying, more bad moods, hurt feelings,abcesses, shock collars, marriages ending, a clean house, a new sewing machine,
=-(
not all me! just things i observed over the weekend.
i wish i could meet king solomon, his words are always in my conciousness. he was an observer of life, and his conclusions were practical, valid and wise. nothing changes. it's the same story over and over, just in a different package.
i smile. the clear wisdoms of the universe make me smile. when you have these in your arsenal, no matter how bad things get, you can still smile.
unless it has to do with hormones. lol
but even then, if you KNOW whats causing it, you can relax and let it pass. SMILE.

my valued libby...

what a joy she has been to me! she is my office manager, and somehow we have a psychic connection. not sure how or why but i consistanly pick up on her energies, thoughts, feeling etc.
anyway, recently she treated me to a linch red lobster for a delicious meal and delightful conversation. she had a few things she wanted to talk about and as usual, it was enlightening and i am grateful for her. it reminds me a bible verse: one mans face sharpens that of another"
she also recently dropped by a cactus start as a thoughtful gift because of my miscarriage and today it bloomed 7 flower buds! =-)
thank you my libby!

mr. mangum's 44th b-day!!!

as a disclaimer, i am NOT complaining, just sharing my humorous observations. (incase you read this bev! i love you!)
so, last year, i planned a birthday surprise b-day party for michael. we usually play poker on fridays so instead of the regular group, i invited family, friends etc. it turned out VERY nice except for the fact that michael HATES surprises and FORBADE me to do it again! (i probably still will, after all, next year is 45! hehehe!)
anyway, so this year, i decided, a nice quiet b-day, i'll make his favorite meal, lamb with asparagus, dolamdes, roasted potatoes, apple crisp and pumpkin ice crean with chunks of new york cheesecake in it, sparkiling apple cider.... i got him an extra special gift, even bought some lingerie, red, burlesquish with fishnets and stilletos which i was gonna cook in and surprise him (i'm not a huge lingerie girl, i always feel lame). i planned a fire in the fireplace, special lighting, inscense, paid extra for the shipping of his gift so it would get here in time, give him a massage and bonus stuff...fill in the blanks!)...you know....dani the party planner.....and a little jaeger to take my edge off! =-)
so how is how it really went...lol!
i go shopping for the meal, i get home and michael ahs gotten home early! 3 o'clock! okay cool! i can roll with it! hey, it's his birthday, he got off early! cool!
he say's, so who's coming tonight? i say...no-one! it's just you and me babe!
he says, oh my mom and dad aren't invited? i say....well, i wasn't planning on it, did you want them to come?
he says...oh! i just didn't know what was going on!
michaels mom calls wondering if she is supposed to come over because michael had talked to her and said...."i'll see you later!" ..so i invite her and loy over. of course they are invited if thats what michael wants and his parents are alwsys invited! i adore them.
so i raost the lamb and.....overdo it! boo! it was fine, but not moist and tender!
michaels gift never comes in, even though i paid $20 extra to get it here in time! BOO!
then, i tell him what my real plan was....to wear lingerie, cook dinner, have a candlelit dinner....he says...well, you can go put it on now! BOO!
not so much in the mood now!
then he says...well, you can wear it at valentines day!
BOO! too far away!
so after, chillin abit (and fox news! his favorite show) i go into the bathroom and get all pretty! lingerie, fishnets, stilleto's, perfume....i come out and he is in bed, buddha attacks me, tears a huge hole in one fishnet leg with his claws and another huge hole in the other leg by biting me!
ooohhhhh! NOT sexy! TRASHY!!!!)
so, the moral of the story?
IDK! nothing really went according to plan!
you just gotta live in the moment and roll with it! LOL!

INSIGHT...

it fascinates me how many insights humans can have throughout a lifetime! we just go along with life as we know how and all of a sudden something happens and you realize that you have been absorbing things you didn't know and or overlooking things you had no idea were there. INSIGHT!
HUMANS! we are quite the inigma. and it makes me smile.
we get caught up in our lives and heads and twisted emotions sometimes and our perspective is skewed and then all of a sudden something happens and it's all clear! and it happens over and over again throughout our life. it is an exciting journey.
and i am grateful that i am in a place where i can accept that about me. for many years i hated myself for the transformations. i thought i must be crazy! well, thats what my mom told me! and maybe i am a little, but i like that part of me! =-)
and we depend so much on the opinion of others for a guide to OUR path! but when you finally just let go and do your thing you are happy and everyone around seems to breathe a sigh of relief too and amazingly....accepts you!
recently, i expereinced a miscarriage. i didn't know i was preggers even though i was noticing some odd symptoms, no appetite, getting nauteous at smells, my skin was clearing up, boobs getting huge....about the time i was going...hey! i may be pregnant, all of a sudden i started feeling REALLY ill, as in something was wrong. i got clammy, white, nauteous, extremely hormonal and a few days later expelled my insides. during the experience, i had a lot of time to reflect on what i really want out of life. up to then i was just kinda going along, status quo, just waiting to see what happens but as i layed there for a few days i heard myself yelling at me! lol!
IF YOU REALLY WANT THIS WHY AREN'T YOU ACTING LIKE IT? WHY IS PART OF YOU HOLDING BACK AND HOLDING ON TO THIS IDEA THAT YOU CAN'T HAVE WHAT YOU WANT? WHY DO YOU HOLD YOURSELF BACK FROM MICHAEL? WHY ARE YOU BASICALLY SABOTAGING YOURSELF WITH THE IDEA THAT IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AND YOUR GONNA DIE YOUNG ANYWAY AND YOUR MAN DOESN'T REALLY LOVE YOU AND IS GONNA DITCH YOU ANYWAY.
it was a huge wake up call! this is the belief i carry around!
WHY? why in the world would i want to live dragging that deep seated belief around? and i didn't even realize i was holding this belief.
INSIGHT!
i felt changed. i felt peace, i felt, joy, life, energy and a hope that i haven't felt in 10 years! i am thankful!
it allowed me to have a very frank talk with michael and it brought us closer and it has motivated me to live a healthier lifestyle. it made me realize that i LOVE my life and my man and i am gonna live it, even if it is at the risk of it not being returned, thats what IIIII want. and guess what? it is being returned! michael has changed. HE is happier, HE is more joyful and at peace and HE wants to be healthier and it occurs to me how much of an impact WE have on those around us!
INSIGHT!
this led me to reflect on how i got HERE! at this moment and this experience.
i knew enough to know that soemthing was wrong with my life 10 years ago, and i kept knowing enough to keep searching. as ive said before, i knew enough to get HERE and when i actually stop to look around...i HAVE what ive been looking for!
INSIGHT!
somehow, i got HERE! =-)
and despite the ups and downs of "life" i am grateful for michael, his family, our home, his consistancy, his gentleness, kindness, his humility, our dog and cat, my beautiful friends, my job and so much more.

gawd!

does anyone else ever just freak out!?!?!
like i look at my life sometimes and FREAK! where am i going, what am i doing?
what do i need to change? OMG! OMG!
maybe it's because i have made so many poor choices that i don't trust myself. so many times i have "woken up" and realized i was in the WAYYYYY wrong spot! i fear it may happen again! i feel like i'm being choked!
ugh!
then i realize, i am not trapped anywhere. i have free choice! =-) yay!
take a deep breath!
i have a doctor appt next week. i really can't wait! i have been off anti depressants for 6 months or so. it has been tough! it is like dealing with another person in your head, who doesn't have many nice things to say and is depressed a lot and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel! not fun! not to mention, my hormones are all jacked and pain levels are up. anti depressants help with all of that!
6 more days!

heavy heart....

i have felt a very heavy feeling around my heart lately! noticablly soooo!
i did some color breathing earlier and a technique i use where i allow the "pain" to reveal what emotion is is harboring......
sadness! an overwhelming sadness, grief! i will have to revisit it after work!
acknowleding it releases some pressure though!

CMC

a new term to me....
Cult Mind Control....
i would have NEVER thought that i fit into this category....but i had a friend of a friend write a thesis on this subject and i read it! it was soooooo enlightening! according to the thesis...JW's match all of the 8 criteria for CMC, which equals...a very destructive mind control religion....
hmmmmmmmm.
i still get a little defensive at this term.
afterall, i was devout for....my whole life!!! and defended it with my life.
after my experience however, i am not so sure anymore!
all of the lingo, and terms always ring in my ears as if they are truth..."they are not a cult, it is truth, everyone else is wrong, god will work it out, this is the only way!".... i used ot be soooo convinced! but my body and mind told a different story!
all i know is, i kept feeling less and less like myself. and i would look around and see so many UN-HAPPY people as part of the religion...but we kept being told...trust in god...or are you hindering the spirit in some way?
well, of course i was......because i had left my ABUSIVE husband, and was advised to go back and when i didn't i got the boot!
i was on so many meds cuz i was soooo unhappy, i was depressed, suicidal, and my doctor was saying...leave him or i will not treat you anymore!....
them i ended up in a hospital with an emotional breakdown!
at that point i sadi to myself....stay here and die or get and live your life!
it became very clear to me that i was ignoring MYSELF, and for many, many years! i had completely learned to ignore my inner voice and authentic self! which equalled SICKNESS!!!
this thesis, covered the points of CMC and how to identify it....and then covered the steps to overcoming CMC! it was very revealing to me!
i remember thinking after i had my breakdown/breakthrough that the LAST thing i needed was religion! (even though what kept running in my head was...go to meetings...it's the only answer!) at a very primal level, i needed a place to live, a job, food, them maybe new friends, a HOME, a relationship, intimacy and LASTLY...god.
a friend told me about...maslow's heirarchy of needs! ahhhhhh!
there it was!
thank goodness i learned to listen to my inner voice! not totally, but enough to know better than what i had been programmed to believe for so long!
why oh why were so many JW's so sick, and depressed, and lonely, and sad, etc.....if they belonged to the only true religion and god was blessing only them??
it never made sense!!!
anyway....after the fact...( i will fill the rest at another time) i have gone through periods of depression, loss of self worth, dread over my future, lack of social skills etc....
ALL of which were covered in this thesis!
"steps to overcoming CMC"
suddenly i felt a relief! and tears! =-)
i'm not crazy!?!?!?
awesome!

catch up....

wow! it's been a busy few months!
got a doggy! he was born on valentines day! (ah...insert floating hearts!)
we named him buddha bear and he is a holy TERROR!!!! he has definately changed the energy in our home! it's all about the buddha of course! our neighblors must think we belong to some weird cult cuz we are constantly yelling....BUDDHA! lol
(weird)
his latest thing is obnoxiously chewing on his squeak toys while we watch tv....because we are ignoring him!
and of course his obsession with dead mice! yay for me!
(rolling eyes)
i am trying sooooo hard to buck up and stomach it but i honestly have no tolerance for GROSS!
we also did a ton of yardwork...planted grass, put up a fence, put in a rockbed...it's looking good!
we got so exhausted from that, that we took a 2 month break! lol (can you say 'old'?)
just yesterday i finally got out to the front yard....and did some "rock art" and started freshening up the trim, oh and also repainted the mailbox.
i got to go visit LA last month!
that was a much needed refresher. i got to see all of my PC peeps! LOVED THAT!!! we met up at TGIF's. i got pix with each one of them (only to have my camera stolen a couple days later)
got to hang with my annie! we got our nails done (hadn't been since i moved to ABQ, ew!). i got to have a professional haircut...hadn't had one of those in 5+ years (yep, been doing it myself)
went to the yard house in pasadena for my sis' birthday! awesome restaurant! yummie martinis and salmon! DELISH!!!
thats where my camera got stolen. we know a busboy took it but try and prove it!
grrrrrr!
the next day we went to ventura beach! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! so nice. we found a great bar to hang at. it had live music and a cool area with couches to lounge in. NICE!
ate at a fab mexican restaurant, went to a lookout over the city and also met a gal interested in my WD's and jewelry!
speaking of that....i have my stuff in a store in port orford, OR! yay! she says they are selling and has placed a second order.
i also just put my stuff into a store here in nob hill! wind dancers and my origami earrings!
i am gaining confidence and plan to bring my stuff to a few more stores in the next week or two.
got my etsy up and running.
so, those are the major things that have happened.
oh, my ex is still annoying me with ridiculous claims of me using his SS # and he has a lawyer and i better confess...blah de blah! whatever dude!
my car was stolen and returned! that was interesting! we thought it would be in a chop shop or mexico but it popped up a month later near the border. a guy had bought it from whomever stole it and was trying to register it. from that, the police tracked down the theives and a ring of 4 guys responsible for a slew of robberies got busted.
since i got the car back though, it has broken down! so it sits in our driveway!
i'm pissed cuz i used my tax return to get the GD thing back and then it breaks down. that money was supposed to go to a new car! grrrrrrr!

yin and yang....

still reading the shakti gawain book....good stuff...
something i learned last night is an illustration about yin, being our female side and yang, being our male side. "Society" has trained us to usually ignore one side or the other.
the yin, is our intuition and guiding, motherly spirit.
the yang is the part of us that executes our yin side.
so, shakti said to ask yourself to reveal your inner yin and be open to the response.
i saw a crouching child at first, scared into silence.
i realized i WANT her to become older, wise, beautiful, white flowing gowns, etherial.
i found myself "thinking"...i am afraid of her...she is not logical! if i listen to her she may lead me in a direction "i" don't want to go. does she cause my physical pain?
she says: please, just listen to me...i want to RELAX, appreciate what you have..i will give you cancer if you keep ignoring me. u are beautiful and wise. u need to take some steps. use your boldness to get closer to what you want. it's okay, you are in a safe place. u need to take care of yourself, there is a niche waiting for you. my name is danielle but i have altered my purity so that you would LISTEN to me. i love children, and love, and beauty, and animals and gardens, and flowers and home and family.

next shakti said to draw your yang...i wrote what i saw...first impression was an older guy from the 20's, in a tweed suit and hat,brewing, had a mustach....(possibly representing old ideals?) then i saw nothing, then another man standing up...muscular, italian, wife beater and jeans on and ready to "go". (he came out of an alley, a heap of boxes to be exact.)
he said: this is ridiculous! pain is not an option, it is not necessary! alright, what is yin saying to do? let's go DO it!
(yin smiles)
he asks her: what would you like me to do for you?
pause...
build a garden, get more work, we need money,i want a diamond necklace a new car, babies, stop being paranoid, get your taxes done, ackowledge becky, cherish heather, libby is a godsend, thank joanie, she is an angel, find out whats going on with kathleen P., and your onto something with celiac disease.

2nd day....

of gluten free!
geez! it's in EVERYTHING!
even brie...it is brined in a wheat product,
mayo, lipgloss....seasonings, ANYTHING with "white flour"...

anyway, so for 2 days i have avoided gluten (to my knowledge) but i can tell you that i feel better already! all of my life i could pretty much guarantee that after i eat, this is how i could count on feeling....
headache, stomach ache, sweats, gas, bloating, ribs would hurt, low blood sugar feeling, tired, black out feeling, dizzy....
sometimes worse than others.
at 8 i remember vomiting everynight and having blood in my stool.
at 15 i remember involuntarily puking after most meals, (although i DID have an eating disorder, it wasn't hard to puke cuz my stomach did it for me)
at 23ish i remember going vegan and avoiding wheat and doing the blood type diet and feeling a lot better but the symptoms weren't completely gone.
over the years my muscle aches and fatigue have worsened gradually.
i went raw vegan in jan 2010 but i was still getting the above symptoms.
so, 2nd day...no stomach ache after meals. i am trying to keep it vegan,, although i plan on experimenting.
just gotta keep it simple and pure and make my own stuff!

i kinda wanna cry at the moment...

i've been doing research on celiac disease and am VERY convinced i have this!
i have NEVER believed i had IBS, Fibromyalgia, CFS, asthma etc, etc....because the symptoms would come and go and/or would improve when i was vegan, raw vegan and eliminated wheat.
unfortunately the doctors have never tested me for this but instead have prescribed...endless meds, which i'm sure have exacerbated my issues.
i can tell my bones are deteriorating, my small intestine hurts most of the time after i eat, i HURT all the time, am fatigued, get tingling in my feet and arms, have always been borderline anemic, etc, etc, etc...ALL of which can be explained by having celiac.
for those who don't know what it is....the villi in your small intestine lays flat instead of up, because of an "allergy" to ANY wheat form (aka: gluten), therefore they cannot absorb nutrition from your food.
the next step?
eliminate gluten!!!!
i'll keep you updated.

i think i'm onto something...

i've had this mood for a couple months now!
ever since the whole tom/kendra thing. it REALLY effed me up! i've even almost called michael, tom a few times! i feel like my mood and responses all of a sudden changed to survival mode, like when i was married to him!
and i became angry, dissatisfied, sad, suspicious of everything....not good!
thanks f*cker! still effing up my life! WHY do you think i left you, you idiot!
get a life and let me get on with mine asshole!

a new leaf...

i am realizing that i have been VERY hard on myself lately! well, the whole past year! a weakness of mine...demanding far too much of myself! i mean, new job, new city, new friends and family, new relationship, new weather, new, new, new.
my body has taken a toll which in turn is affecting all of these other "new" things to deal with!
i am still unclear sometimes on what to expect from myself. my intentions far outreach my abilities most of the time!

what do i need to learn from this?

all i do is bitch...

it seems all of my latest posts have been beefs about something!
i have been in a funk though. i'm so tired of it!
i've been in a lot of pain...like on the verge of tears, pain. thats no fun.
that makes me moody too. like, i have no tolerance for anything.
BLAH!
off the top of my head...i feel lonely, i miss my friends and sister in l.a.
i'm sick of not having money, i want to work more, i'm tired of not being able to help michael with more bills, i'm sick of fox news!
it is so strange living in a completely new place. everything is new and unfamiliar. EVERYTHING! and it get's to be a lot sometimes. people are different here too! people dress different, live different, drive different, talk different. thats hard sometimes.
so, to put it into perspective...i am in pain, i'm sad and lonely, then i go do errands and don't know my way around and then i look around at people and feel out of place. it gets to me.
don;t get me wrong! i have NEVER thought....
thats it! i give up. i'm going back to la, it just wears me down.
it is also strange being in a fairly new relationship, with all that brings and not having the grounding feeling of family and friends.
i also feel like i am struggling with not having a belief system. having had one all of my life, i am accustomed to that. NOT having one feels scary and alienating, and abit dark.
i think i am over winter too. it is SOOOOO pretty but i'm ready for the spring. =-)
i also think in some weird twisted way that because i am in a normal relationship and not a twisted, abusive one that i am freaking out inside because that is so new to me. i find myself responding to things like i am used to but it's not working anymore because this relationship is so different.
also, michael has a very sarcastic sense of humor which generally i am so on top of. it doesn;t phase me and i dish it back but because i am feeling down, it bothers me. i find myself crying at the silliest things.
anyway.
blah, blah, blah!

a beef....

so, if ya'll haven't already heard...i'm sooooo annoyed with people who request to be your friend on FB and then just DISAPPEAR!?!?!?!...with no goodbye or explanantion.
they request to be YOUR friend....no the other way around...
now, as far as the JW's go, i understand, to an extent...because it is part of their belief system, BUT, they are not consistent. they may not speak to you but are friends with OTHER disfellowshipped people.
this leaves me wondering why i'm not worthy enough to be your friend....you confused, hypocritical person.
recently though, i had a guy request to be my friend who i have known on other sites. i have chatted with him on "living better" sites and "raw Vegan" sites.
i got a request, chatted with him for a few days and poof! he's gone.
i found him under a WHOLE different name.

as i write all of this, i reallly hate that i have become so petty and concerned over non important things which leads me to believe this is an insecurity i need to address.
logically...WHO REALLY gives a shit weather someone wants to be your friend or not. in real life...we just carry on and keep the ones we really want around.
right!?!?!
as far as the jw's, i sense that it is another case of them denying their inner spirits. they constantly struggle with their mind and spirit. it doesn't line up, thus inconsistency and APPARANT hypocrisy!
whatever!

living in the light...

...all of my life i have felt...out of my body!
i have felt like i don't belong in human form. i have been uncomfortable with my body and even allowed myself to abuse my body because i didn't appreciate the value of it. i allowed myself to BE abused as well. i allowed myself to ignore my intuition and found myself in many unfortunate circumstances.
i have felt i had different personalities inside me. i felt i would come to moments of clarity but something would take over, logic?, religion?, basically my mind...and those clear moments would disappear and i'd feel crazy. especially since i did not have people around me who experienced anything similar.
i have always heard and felt this struggle within between body and mind but didn't know how to put words to it. i have felt like it was unfortunate that i had to live in a physical form because i had sooooo much more aspiring with in me and my body wouldn't cooperate.
i have struggled with alot of PAIN, i'm sure because of this struggle within and because i didn't KNOW how to change it.
fortunately my intuition knew. even though I didn't know.
it is amazing to look back to 5 years ago and observe that my intuition took over for me when my brain had shut down. i ended up soooo depressed, and suicidal and hopeless and in pain, YET, something took over, and i took one step after another until i found HERE!
thank you "intuition"! or i would have died. =-)
one step after another until i got it right. or at least on the right path!
even when my family and friends and religion said i was/am wrong and a heathen for my choices and chose to remove themselves from my life. it's okay! they would have hindered my journey. i am not angry but relieved. at times i am grateful because my journey would have been that much more difficult having to deal with naysayers and doubters and persons who didn;t understand and support my choices.
PERHAPS, down the road i can return to them but on my terms.
i am reading this book called...living in the light, by shakti gawain.
i was giving a massage and explaining to my client where i was in my journey regarding "spirituality"? i guess is what it could be termed.
i was explaining how i have felt dark inside for a couple months and didn't exactly know why. i THOUGHT maybe it was because i have had a faith my whole life and a HOPE for the future etc. and now i did not. and i haven't been sure how to replace it. going back to the religion i came from didn't seem the answer. that would be too easy. a quick fix. it never worked before so why kid myself and think going back would be the answer. supposedly it would SAVE me but i don't want to be saved at the expense of my inner self. not anymore.
anyway, my friend said....i have a book for you! she gave me living in the light!
i am so grateful! it is EXACTLY what i need to be reading right now! it is putting words and explanations to things i have felt for a long time. it has been very validating and enlightening. CURRENTLY i am reading the difference between the body and spirit and how to have them CO EXIST!
ah, relief! i can utilize both! i feel hope.
my spirit is here for a reason, in physical form, for a reason. i need to respect that and find ways to learn and live and aspire within that. what a privilaged journey!

jason marlatt, RIP

sadly, an old friend has passed away.
i learned about 3 weeks ago, that he was in a coma and the family had decided to stop life support. the consensus was, he would die immediately! he held on for about 3 weeks. he died on the 15th!
i did not know him well, but he was in my circle for quite a few years. i always liked him and felt a connection to him altho it was never validated. (if that makes sense)
he married and had 3 kids, 3 boys!
when i found out that he died i felt impelled to send my condolences! i WAS not close to his family AT ALL but i just have this sense that he was central to many poeple and that his absence will be devastating on many levels. i also feel that he WANTED to leave this earth! (does that sound awful?) as much as he may have adored his family, i feel he was overwhelmed and unhappy, for whatever reason.
PEACE to you JASON!!!! you will be missed on many levels, however, i envy you for being in a place where you can be at peace.
NAMASTE!
it was his spirit that spoke more than his words!

my plan...

i PLAN on adding stuff from my past BUT it as a draining to me as talking about it or even going through paperwork from that time period. i get lost and feel disconnected! HOWEVER, as these things come up and as i come across them, i HOPE to share them.
i try to see the bigger picture! it's not about me! it is about who might happen across my experience and how it might help them. =-)

oh, i haven't mentioned this have i?

so, i found out my ex husband was posing on my facebook and myspace as a bi-sexual female, oh for like 6 months!
REALLY!?!??!?
it is kinda old news to me but i realized i haven't shared it. about 3 weeks ago a friend from LA emailed me and said...."hey! did you know your tacky ex is posing as a gril on your FB? have any idea who it might be?"
i was like...hell yeah! the only person i have accepted as a friend that i have not met in person. ( well i guess i had, rolling eyes)
anyway! yeah! she had messaged me on myspace saying she noticed i lived in valencia, ca, and was planning on moving there, where was a good area to live and good places for work?
so i chit chatted with "her" for a long time. finally, "she" asked, "so, are you usually on FB or Myspace?".
i replied FB.
next thing i know, i have a freind request from "her". BTW, KENDRA VALENTI, from OHIO! A DANCER, MODEL who was in the opening of the drew carey show! (REALLY!?!?!?!?)
we corresponded back and forth for awhile! "she" claimed to have left her husband and moved to california to so some modeling. while she was there she fell into a bi sexual relationship with a suicide girl that she did ashoot with. she didn't know if she should tellthe husband she left in ohio, or go back to him. she wondered if i had ever been with a girl, or left my husband, what religion i was, why i left it......on and on!
like, or months, we carried on a conversation, and "she" gained my sympathies, and asked me personal questions and messaged me at all hours of the morning feigning distress.
REALLY!!?!?!??!
"she" even friended my sister and some of my friends an FB!
REALLY!?!?!?!?!
anyway, i outted "her"!
i reported her to myspace and FB and she got deleted. i also got a restraining order and i reported her and all of her correspondence to her parents and her elders in her congregation! BITCH!
i got rid of you for a reason!!!

NM sandia's and skies...

they continue to amaze me. above is a sampling of what i see out my front window but not what i see today! today there are clouds hovering over it so you cannot see the top and it is snowing BUT on the edges of the mountain is is BRIGHT and sunny and the sun is shining on parts of the mountain or it will dramatically go from dark and snowy to sunny and bright! sooooo amazing!

BITCH!!!

i was just reading an OLD, OLD email from someone that i did her wedding photos for!
i just wanted to say....BITCH!
reading it brought up alot of emotion!
i have NO tolerance for dealing with people who are selfish and self centered and seem to remember details so that they suit their story they've made up in their head!
and who evily, insert derisive comments in amongst seeming compliments!
did i mention......?.....BITCH!!!!