i have felt a very heavy feeling around my heart lately! noticablly soooo!
i did some color breathing earlier and a technique i use where i allow the "pain" to reveal what emotion is is harboring......
sadness! an overwhelming sadness, grief! i will have to revisit it after work!
acknowleding it releases some pressure though!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
CMC
a new term to me....
Cult Mind Control....
i would have NEVER thought that i fit into this category....but i had a friend of a friend write a thesis on this subject and i read it! it was soooooo enlightening! according to the thesis...JW's match all of the 8 criteria for CMC, which equals...a very destructive mind control religion....
hmmmmmmmm.
i still get a little defensive at this term.
afterall, i was devout for....my whole life!!! and defended it with my life.
after my experience however, i am not so sure anymore!
all of the lingo, and terms always ring in my ears as if they are truth..."they are not a cult, it is truth, everyone else is wrong, god will work it out, this is the only way!".... i used ot be soooo convinced! but my body and mind told a different story!
all i know is, i kept feeling less and less like myself. and i would look around and see so many UN-HAPPY people as part of the religion...but we kept being told...trust in god...or are you hindering the spirit in some way?
well, of course i was......because i had left my ABUSIVE husband, and was advised to go back and when i didn't i got the boot!
i was on so many meds cuz i was soooo unhappy, i was depressed, suicidal, and my doctor was saying...leave him or i will not treat you anymore!....
them i ended up in a hospital with an emotional breakdown!
at that point i sadi to myself....stay here and die or get and live your life!
it became very clear to me that i was ignoring MYSELF, and for many, many years! i had completely learned to ignore my inner voice and authentic self! which equalled SICKNESS!!!
this thesis, covered the points of CMC and how to identify it....and then covered the steps to overcoming CMC! it was very revealing to me!
i remember thinking after i had my breakdown/breakthrough that the LAST thing i needed was religion! (even though what kept running in my head was...go to meetings...it's the only answer!) at a very primal level, i needed a place to live, a job, food, them maybe new friends, a HOME, a relationship, intimacy and LASTLY...god.
a friend told me about...maslow's heirarchy of needs! ahhhhhh!
there it was!
thank goodness i learned to listen to my inner voice! not totally, but enough to know better than what i had been programmed to believe for so long!
why oh why were so many JW's so sick, and depressed, and lonely, and sad, etc.....if they belonged to the only true religion and god was blessing only them??
it never made sense!!!
anyway....after the fact...( i will fill the rest at another time) i have gone through periods of depression, loss of self worth, dread over my future, lack of social skills etc....
ALL of which were covered in this thesis!
"steps to overcoming CMC"
suddenly i felt a relief! and tears! =-)
i'm not crazy!?!?!?
awesome!
Cult Mind Control....
i would have NEVER thought that i fit into this category....but i had a friend of a friend write a thesis on this subject and i read it! it was soooooo enlightening! according to the thesis...JW's match all of the 8 criteria for CMC, which equals...a very destructive mind control religion....
hmmmmmmmm.
i still get a little defensive at this term.
afterall, i was devout for....my whole life!!! and defended it with my life.
after my experience however, i am not so sure anymore!
all of the lingo, and terms always ring in my ears as if they are truth..."they are not a cult, it is truth, everyone else is wrong, god will work it out, this is the only way!".... i used ot be soooo convinced! but my body and mind told a different story!
all i know is, i kept feeling less and less like myself. and i would look around and see so many UN-HAPPY people as part of the religion...but we kept being told...trust in god...or are you hindering the spirit in some way?
well, of course i was......because i had left my ABUSIVE husband, and was advised to go back and when i didn't i got the boot!
i was on so many meds cuz i was soooo unhappy, i was depressed, suicidal, and my doctor was saying...leave him or i will not treat you anymore!....
them i ended up in a hospital with an emotional breakdown!
at that point i sadi to myself....stay here and die or get and live your life!
it became very clear to me that i was ignoring MYSELF, and for many, many years! i had completely learned to ignore my inner voice and authentic self! which equalled SICKNESS!!!
this thesis, covered the points of CMC and how to identify it....and then covered the steps to overcoming CMC! it was very revealing to me!
i remember thinking after i had my breakdown/breakthrough that the LAST thing i needed was religion! (even though what kept running in my head was...go to meetings...it's the only answer!) at a very primal level, i needed a place to live, a job, food, them maybe new friends, a HOME, a relationship, intimacy and LASTLY...god.
a friend told me about...maslow's heirarchy of needs! ahhhhhh!
there it was!
thank goodness i learned to listen to my inner voice! not totally, but enough to know better than what i had been programmed to believe for so long!
why oh why were so many JW's so sick, and depressed, and lonely, and sad, etc.....if they belonged to the only true religion and god was blessing only them??
it never made sense!!!
anyway....after the fact...( i will fill the rest at another time) i have gone through periods of depression, loss of self worth, dread over my future, lack of social skills etc....
ALL of which were covered in this thesis!
"steps to overcoming CMC"
suddenly i felt a relief! and tears! =-)
i'm not crazy!?!?!?
awesome!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
catch up....
wow! it's been a busy few months!
got a doggy! he was born on valentines day! (ah...insert floating hearts!)
we named him buddha bear and he is a holy TERROR!!!! he has definately changed the energy in our home! it's all about the buddha of course! our neighblors must think we belong to some weird cult cuz we are constantly yelling....BUDDHA! lol
(weird)
his latest thing is obnoxiously chewing on his squeak toys while we watch tv....because we are ignoring him!
and of course his obsession with dead mice! yay for me!
(rolling eyes)
i am trying sooooo hard to buck up and stomach it but i honestly have no tolerance for GROSS!
we also did a ton of yardwork...planted grass, put up a fence, put in a rockbed...it's looking good!
we got so exhausted from that, that we took a 2 month break! lol (can you say 'old'?)
just yesterday i finally got out to the front yard....and did some "rock art" and started freshening up the trim, oh and also repainted the mailbox.
i got to go visit LA last month!
that was a much needed refresher. i got to see all of my PC peeps! LOVED THAT!!! we met up at TGIF's. i got pix with each one of them (only to have my camera stolen a couple days later)
got to hang with my annie! we got our nails done (hadn't been since i moved to ABQ, ew!). i got to have a professional haircut...hadn't had one of those in 5+ years (yep, been doing it myself)
went to the yard house in pasadena for my sis' birthday! awesome restaurant! yummie martinis and salmon! DELISH!!!
thats where my camera got stolen. we know a busboy took it but try and prove it!
grrrrrr!
the next day we went to ventura beach! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! so nice. we found a great bar to hang at. it had live music and a cool area with couches to lounge in. NICE!
ate at a fab mexican restaurant, went to a lookout over the city and also met a gal interested in my WD's and jewelry!
speaking of that....i have my stuff in a store in port orford, OR! yay! she says they are selling and has placed a second order.
i also just put my stuff into a store here in nob hill! wind dancers and my origami earrings!
i am gaining confidence and plan to bring my stuff to a few more stores in the next week or two.
got my etsy up and running.
so, those are the major things that have happened.
oh, my ex is still annoying me with ridiculous claims of me using his SS # and he has a lawyer and i better confess...blah de blah! whatever dude!
my car was stolen and returned! that was interesting! we thought it would be in a chop shop or mexico but it popped up a month later near the border. a guy had bought it from whomever stole it and was trying to register it. from that, the police tracked down the theives and a ring of 4 guys responsible for a slew of robberies got busted.
since i got the car back though, it has broken down! so it sits in our driveway!
i'm pissed cuz i used my tax return to get the GD thing back and then it breaks down. that money was supposed to go to a new car! grrrrrrr!
got a doggy! he was born on valentines day! (ah...insert floating hearts!)
we named him buddha bear and he is a holy TERROR!!!! he has definately changed the energy in our home! it's all about the buddha of course! our neighblors must think we belong to some weird cult cuz we are constantly yelling....BUDDHA! lol
(weird)
his latest thing is obnoxiously chewing on his squeak toys while we watch tv....because we are ignoring him!
and of course his obsession with dead mice! yay for me!
(rolling eyes)
i am trying sooooo hard to buck up and stomach it but i honestly have no tolerance for GROSS!
we also did a ton of yardwork...planted grass, put up a fence, put in a rockbed...it's looking good!
we got so exhausted from that, that we took a 2 month break! lol (can you say 'old'?)
just yesterday i finally got out to the front yard....and did some "rock art" and started freshening up the trim, oh and also repainted the mailbox.
i got to go visit LA last month!
that was a much needed refresher. i got to see all of my PC peeps! LOVED THAT!!! we met up at TGIF's. i got pix with each one of them (only to have my camera stolen a couple days later)
got to hang with my annie! we got our nails done (hadn't been since i moved to ABQ, ew!). i got to have a professional haircut...hadn't had one of those in 5+ years (yep, been doing it myself)
went to the yard house in pasadena for my sis' birthday! awesome restaurant! yummie martinis and salmon! DELISH!!!
thats where my camera got stolen. we know a busboy took it but try and prove it!
grrrrrr!
the next day we went to ventura beach! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! so nice. we found a great bar to hang at. it had live music and a cool area with couches to lounge in. NICE!
ate at a fab mexican restaurant, went to a lookout over the city and also met a gal interested in my WD's and jewelry!
speaking of that....i have my stuff in a store in port orford, OR! yay! she says they are selling and has placed a second order.
i also just put my stuff into a store here in nob hill! wind dancers and my origami earrings!
i am gaining confidence and plan to bring my stuff to a few more stores in the next week or two.
got my etsy up and running.
so, those are the major things that have happened.
oh, my ex is still annoying me with ridiculous claims of me using his SS # and he has a lawyer and i better confess...blah de blah! whatever dude!
my car was stolen and returned! that was interesting! we thought it would be in a chop shop or mexico but it popped up a month later near the border. a guy had bought it from whomever stole it and was trying to register it. from that, the police tracked down the theives and a ring of 4 guys responsible for a slew of robberies got busted.
since i got the car back though, it has broken down! so it sits in our driveway!
i'm pissed cuz i used my tax return to get the GD thing back and then it breaks down. that money was supposed to go to a new car! grrrrrrr!
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