i have such an awesome man! sometimes i am surprised at what he tolerates in me. i am so used to rigid rules and not speaking up that when i go outside those lines i still fear a consequence. i do it anyway but i still fear the fall out!
i do not want to ever cause my man to lose his dignity or manlihood, that would harm more than just him. occasionally i attempt to prove my point though, when i know i am right. it is at these times that i see a saddened, broken man, angered at times but amazingly enough, he always comes to me and apologizes. i have made him think? perhaps? or he doesn't want ill between us? or he is beyond kind? then i apologize for speaking out of turn or when and where it was inappropriate. he accepts my apology. is this how it is supposed to work? a get out of jail free card? i feel like i should be punished more. the elders should be told or i will incur something bad for the wrong i have done? sometimes i hate the voices in my head. too many voices and opinions going on in there. i have lived too many lives and observed too many lives and sympathize with too many sides. they all translate to voices. what if this? what if that? my mind is often tortured. i had one friend tell me that i was the most pensive friend she ever had. oddly enough, inside, i am playful and fun and laugh a lot, but i know i can appear pensive. there is so much input i am sorting in any given situation. i know no differently, i suppose this is why i hate smoking pot. i do not like the wandering, seemingly out of mind control feeling.
anyway, back to my man...i adore him. despite what others may think, he is kind and reflective, humble, gentle, tolerant and a treasure. i love him! and these qualities in him make me strive to be a better person. his qualities make me want to root out and change the things i find that i do not like about myself. that is big! for me!
thank you mr. mangum! i adore you!
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