right after i had my miscarriage i went through a range of emotions.....this came out late one night...
i finally feel ANGEt toward you and here is what i have to say...your very first words were, i hope you come back to jehovah! well, i didn't leave him, you and your religion left me! you have used the religion to avoid, justify, deflect, judge, dismiss, criticize and any other word that fits iinto that genre and you have passed this bundle of joy onto your children leaving us with a beautifully packaged, seemingly moral corpse. you have produced an athiest, 2 in denial alcoholics and a drug addict, 2 molestor sons and a sexuallu abused daughter who is emotionally scarred for life and me...who had abused myself out of hatred and disgust for myself for nearly 40 years, from an eating disorder to exercise and diet addiction to using alcohol to numb out to disassociating cuz i couldn't deal anymore and a very expensive breakdown. thank you! great job! and now you sit in your pious humility with the belief that you did your best and we are the fuck ups and we are to blame for all we've had to deal with! bravo! and you want me to come back? to what!?!?! you are the most uptight, joyless people i know, always worried about appearances and what others are thinking and god forbid you offend someone or your god. you are so uptight i don't even think you know your favorite color or flower. do you?
god w ill give us what we need and you pray for help and no help comes and in the meantime you suffer in the name of your faith! this application of faith had hindered you from learning to fend for yourself. what an awful, defaulted way to live! and you hold the belief of...i will do that in paradise! thats disassociating! so you can't enjoy now? mom, why do you drink? to check out of your misery! dad, why do you completely disassociate from your children and past? very sad! more for you t han anyone else! we are pretty awesome kids inspite of our struggles that we deal with from being abandoned by you! you are the one that has missed out! not us! why would i want you in my life if you could care less what or how i'm doing. i used to imagine us walking along the beach in paradise just talking about life and beauty...no more! life and beauty are now! and your not in it! bummer fro you! i'm pretty awesome! even if i do "die at armageddon" at least i'll die knowing i lived and didn't default!
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