INSIGHT...

it fascinates me how many insights humans can have throughout a lifetime! we just go along with life as we know how and all of a sudden something happens and you realize that you have been absorbing things you didn't know and or overlooking things you had no idea were there. INSIGHT!
HUMANS! we are quite the inigma. and it makes me smile.
we get caught up in our lives and heads and twisted emotions sometimes and our perspective is skewed and then all of a sudden something happens and it's all clear! and it happens over and over again throughout our life. it is an exciting journey.
and i am grateful that i am in a place where i can accept that about me. for many years i hated myself for the transformations. i thought i must be crazy! well, thats what my mom told me! and maybe i am a little, but i like that part of me! =-)
and we depend so much on the opinion of others for a guide to OUR path! but when you finally just let go and do your thing you are happy and everyone around seems to breathe a sigh of relief too and amazingly....accepts you!
recently, i expereinced a miscarriage. i didn't know i was preggers even though i was noticing some odd symptoms, no appetite, getting nauteous at smells, my skin was clearing up, boobs getting huge....about the time i was going...hey! i may be pregnant, all of a sudden i started feeling REALLY ill, as in something was wrong. i got clammy, white, nauteous, extremely hormonal and a few days later expelled my insides. during the experience, i had a lot of time to reflect on what i really want out of life. up to then i was just kinda going along, status quo, just waiting to see what happens but as i layed there for a few days i heard myself yelling at me! lol!
IF YOU REALLY WANT THIS WHY AREN'T YOU ACTING LIKE IT? WHY IS PART OF YOU HOLDING BACK AND HOLDING ON TO THIS IDEA THAT YOU CAN'T HAVE WHAT YOU WANT? WHY DO YOU HOLD YOURSELF BACK FROM MICHAEL? WHY ARE YOU BASICALLY SABOTAGING YOURSELF WITH THE IDEA THAT IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AND YOUR GONNA DIE YOUNG ANYWAY AND YOUR MAN DOESN'T REALLY LOVE YOU AND IS GONNA DITCH YOU ANYWAY.
it was a huge wake up call! this is the belief i carry around!
WHY? why in the world would i want to live dragging that deep seated belief around? and i didn't even realize i was holding this belief.
INSIGHT!
i felt changed. i felt peace, i felt, joy, life, energy and a hope that i haven't felt in 10 years! i am thankful!
it allowed me to have a very frank talk with michael and it brought us closer and it has motivated me to live a healthier lifestyle. it made me realize that i LOVE my life and my man and i am gonna live it, even if it is at the risk of it not being returned, thats what IIIII want. and guess what? it is being returned! michael has changed. HE is happier, HE is more joyful and at peace and HE wants to be healthier and it occurs to me how much of an impact WE have on those around us!
INSIGHT!
this led me to reflect on how i got HERE! at this moment and this experience.
i knew enough to know that soemthing was wrong with my life 10 years ago, and i kept knowing enough to keep searching. as ive said before, i knew enough to get HERE and when i actually stop to look around...i HAVE what ive been looking for!
INSIGHT!
somehow, i got HERE! =-)
and despite the ups and downs of "life" i am grateful for michael, his family, our home, his consistancy, his gentleness, kindness, his humility, our dog and cat, my beautiful friends, my job and so much more.