i dream....

....of always making and eating good food, of being pleasant and being treated nicely, of living in an environment which i adore, looking at colors and things that i like, of listening to things that tickle my ears, of having people and things around that i have chosen, of bringing my imagination to a fruition,
things can be amiss and can take forever to get done but in my world that is okay.
i imagine that i am abit crazy, but i like it that way because..IN CRAZINESS THERE IS BRILLIANCE...i wish more people recognized that!
i imagine dancing in my world, lots of it! i choreograph things in my head and wish my body could do what i imagine.
it would be quite....erotic, fulfilling, satisfying...to see a piece danced which was MY own creation. when SYTYCD choreographers are crying at a piece...I GET IT!!!
a combo of music and movement and my imagination in tangible form? decadence!
i imagine a life where i can imagine, and that would be okay! i feel like people, almost intentionally, rip me out of my world sometimes and i don't get it!
come into MY world! it is much nicer here! WHY must you be so literal? dream a little! this is the only life we get! you gonna live it literally or live it like you desire?
everyone needs to put glitter polish on! seriously!
why look, everyday, at nails, anything, you do not like? or a couch you hate? or talk to a person who annoys you? or go home to an uncomfortable bed? or take a shower and hate your body? FIX IT DAMMIT!
why listen to music you don't like? or a tv show instead of something else?
if you put yourself into perspective.....you are a flash in the stream of time! the "world" is changing and moving on and in 100 years this time will be a quip in some history journal, if that!. it won't matter if you seemed crazy or flighty or irresponsible...enjoy it, dammit!
and when you look at me with those criticizing, questioning, wondering eyes, just remember to look back and ask YOURSELF! have YOU done what you have dreamed to do?

July 2011!

Where in the *BLEEP* does time go?
wasn't it just christmas time?
i MUST write a book!
nails are painted red with glitter!
went to LA a couple weeks back and got my friends and family fix
reading a book on "his needs, her needs"
feeling a bit disconnected and m and i are not speaking the same language.
sister is in early labor but not due until july 29th!
she seems miserable...tired, swolen feet etc
annie is moving to phoenix, wayyyy closer than LA
have a few projects going...a sewing one for a 3 year old and my new bottle bling!
peace!

a rebirth....

another one!
i have had so much energy lately and i LOVE it. my mind is always going, but my body won't cooperate sometimes. my mindset is different. i hold myself back a lot. my current mindset is...just do it!
gardening! i love it! it gives me a reason to get up early, go home, go outside...all of which i struggle with, having depression issues.
puppies! they make me get up, talk, smile, go outside!
the arroyo! i love it back there! it is a beautiful hike, right in my back yard. WHY did it take me 2 years to get back there?
i am feeling and thinking things i haven't in 10-20 years!!! =)
it is like i have had peeps of this throughout my life, but go back into hiding because my situation wasn't safe! i look now, and i am safe!!! =)

Osama/Obama.....toe-may-ta/ toe-mah-ta....

May 1st, 2011, Osama Killed by US Navy Seals!
Aryans Haze is still saving me!
Garden is planted and doing well, with the exception of losing a couple plants during this fluke freeze!
It is poker week!
Walked the arroyo last night! First time i have been in there since i moved here. It was quite beautiful and peaceful. and a great terrain for good cardio.
i belive CAT died out there so i was doing a bit of pondering and clearing energies. I am considering putting a little monument to him out there! =)
My man let me move the furniture in the bedroom around. it is a nice change. i need movement in my home! now when you walk in you see pretty and then...."the tv etc"
before, you saw tv first, then the headboard. nah! not good!
for some reason the 2 windows really stand out now! i am gonna make a little oasis/garden outside one of them. maybe both!

easter!

easter! what a silly holiday! what do colored eggs, bunnies, ham & easter lillys have a skosh to do with jesus being resurected to heaven? besides that, he told us to celebrate his death not his resurection! sounds bad BUT his DEATH is what allowed us to be cleansed of our sins and eligible for being saved! his resurection was proof that god was alive and designed the whole plan for our being saved! i'm just sayin'!

ponderings...

i was thinking on my way to work today...i am so grateful for having 2+ years of stability!
2 years of loving one man, of living in the same house, having the same job...i haven't had that in MANY years!
i am grateful for my pets that keep me grounded and give me something to smile at everyday! I am grateful for my loving family here.
i have many good, quality friends although i still haven't found a bestie out here!
(can't replace my annie)
i am grateful for my job and all it has taught me.
the stability has really helped me grow as a person and achieve things i couldn't as a vagabond/gypsy...
thank you universe and myslef for getting me here!

thank you aryan! your haze saved me!

i believe my baby saved me.
for probably the last year to year and a half i have REALLY been struggling with pain and depression. every morning i get up in pain, dreading the day, wishing i could stay asleep, cuz i don't feel pain there. it has turned into a drudgery. i still get up and smile tho and fake a good mood cuz i know i would be if i weren't in pain. i don't want to drag other people down because of MY pain. and i try to stay moving and busy so i don't think about the pain.
the other night, mr. mangum handed me a pipe and said...try this! so i did. as i layed there, i said...what did you give me?
at first i said...it tastes like berry, tastes good going in and out, it's definatley a sativa, i feel renewed, like i can go do errands. this is better than a vicoden!
i felt like a weight had been lifted, i all of a sudden felt positive, my sinus' cleared, my headache went away, my muscles relaxed, i didn't feel nauteous...
the next couple days, i used it instead of anything else and i had 2 awesome days. i was able to function, and eat w/o getting sick, i felt positive, i wanted to read a book and walk the dog. i haven't felt that in a LONG time.
i didn't realize my fog until it had lifted!
i felt HOPEFUL!!! i haven't seen hope in awhile!
i have used it 3 more days and each day is better! =-)
i cannot explain my relief! i haven't seen this girl in years!